Maybe it's cancer!?!

I find this thought in my mind all the time ever since the diagnoses and I sometimes wonder if it's just me or if everyone who's had cancer has this worry. . .or at least everyone my age. It's crazy, when I had my bladder problems, first thought was bladder cancer. . .then I researched it on the internet and found out it probably was. I mean everything I read linked cigarette's to bladder cancer, I smoked for a decade, then all the symptoms matched up. It is also linked to regular U.T.I.'s, I definitely had that problem, nothing but proof I now had bladder cancer, I was convinced and prepared. . .but then it wasn't bladder cancer. Who’da thought?

But wait, I've been getting a weird pressure pain on the top of my spine, right under that little bump in the back of the head. Not gonna research this one though cause obviously the internet is gonna falsely lead me like it did with that bladder catastrophe. But this is obviously a tumor, just like before, it's not to far of a stretch to think maybe I had two brain tumors and they only found one. Or maybe it’s spread, cancer does that too, doesn’t it? Now this other ones grown to a size big enough to start affecting me, I think I can kinda feel it too. But then I go to the hospital and they run a scan to check for Strokes. . .there's no sign of tumors. I even mention my thoughts and wonder if maybe they just missed it, but they assure me they didn't. 

Then there's this weird bump on my arm that won't go away, maybe its skin cancer. I mean it doesn't seem to get bigger, but it sure looks like it is. I mean I saw the show "The Big C" she had skin cancer, and it looked like this, but bigger, and I mean in a show like that they'd HAVE to display it correctly right? They'd get complaints I would think. But once again the doctors assure me it's nothing to worry about, just looks like a scar. Don't worry unless it gets bigger.

It seems like since the diagnoses I can't get the thought out of my head that I might get cancer again. I don't dislike this though. I'd much rather be wrong or prepared than unprepared like I was last time. I mean last time the only signs I had were Deja Vu sensations. . .which turned out to be seizure activity. But I went to the ER once before and they acted as if it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't until I had a full on seizure that they ran a CAT scan and found out I had a golf ball in my head that shouldn't be there. I'd prefer that not happen again. 

I'd prefer to catch it like I did this time, before it came back full force. But it is abit annoying, knowing that I'm abit paranoid about it. Wondering if I'll have these worries now for the rest of my life. I'll tell you what this tumor coming back hasn't helped the matter either. 

Annoying aspect aside though, this isn't all that horrible. I'm kinda happy that I now value my life more. At least enough that when a problem comes up, I no longer wait on it. I get checked out as soon as I can, just to be sure and to get the problem, whatever it is, taken care of. Because I've realized it's not just me anymore. I'm not alone and I need to make sure I'm okay, because there are people out there who care about me. Last time I waited thinking one I was invincible (which I've proven I might just be :) But to be serious I didn't want to know what was wrong, I didn't think it was anything to worry about but I was 21 if it was I didn't want to face the fact I might not see 25. 

Now I think a little differently. I've realized that these are things we have to face, and the earlier we start dealing with them the easier they are to deal with. But not just that, also we don't have to deal with them alone. Some people are lucky like myself and have WONDERFUL friends and family to help them deal. Others sadly don't but even for those people there are groups like Hope for Young Adults With Cancer, Stupid Cancer, Immermans Angels, Tamika and Friends, mAss Kickers, and dozens of others for everything from Cancer to AIDS to Abuse and everything in between. We HAVE to face each trial head on or we're guaranteed to fail. We can't run from our problems because they'll catch up to us. Trust me. . .We HAVE to face them but we don’t have to face them alone

More than this though we have to face them for others, stay strong not just for ourselves but also for our family and friends who are sharing the weight with us. When we suffer we don't suffer alone, the people who care most about us suffer with us. When we are afraid they share our fear as well. We also don't have to suffer in silence, sometimes it takes a truly strong individual to admit he can't do this on his own as much as he'd like to. Or that they are afraid, we all fear things from time to time, I'm willing to bet everyone in the world gets the heebie-jeebies when walking down a dark empty street. Because deep down we ALL know we are not invincible. . .or at least we have our doubts.

But I don't think this is a bad thing, as annoying as it may be I don't hate this paranoia instilled on me by cancer. Not only has it matured me to realizing I might someday die, but it has also made me appreciate life SO much more. Now I see people complaining so wholeheartedly about things like their spouses, or their friends, or other things they have control over and it drives me crazy. How can you complain about something that's so easily fixed, like a friend who is "using you" or a spouse who repeatedly disappointing you? These are problems that are technically easily fixed. Get rid of the person, or thing that is causing the problem. Just like a tumor remove them from your life. It may hurt for a while, you might miss them, but just remind yourself why you removed them. I'll tell you what I never miss my tumor, I'm happy he's gone, lil bastard. So find the tumors in your life and remove them, be it a job, a spouse, a friend or even family. If you can't make it work then remove it. Because for a guy living with cancer, seeing people waste their precious time on such trivial matters drives me insane.

We seem to almost want to make everything more difficult than it is, but we don't realize while we suffer our friends suffer as well. Whether it's living with cancer or an abusive boyfriend the people that care about us feel it too. When I went into surgery I recently found out a certain Angel in my life broke down from fear for me, someone I would have never expected too. But they did, they cared so much about my life that it affected them. It's no different than when you contact a friend because your boyfriends hit you, they fear for you. They hurt emotionally and want to help you. If you go back, it affects them again, because they do not want to see you hurt again, they fear for you. Our friends and family SHOULD and most likely DO care deeply for us, and we should respect that. 

So I've realized a little paranoia isn't a bad thing. Getting checked regularly isn't a bad thing, and being ABSOLUTELY sure the doctors got everything right isn't just good for me, it's good for EVERYONE who cares about me too. I stay healthy and positive not just for myself but because I don't want my friends and family to worry about me. Some people think it's a big weight and one I shouldn't put on myself, but it's one worth caring and that I'm able to carry. Because my friends carry me when I need it, there's no reason they should have to carry me when I don't. 

We all have our own problems, and whether we like it or not our problems affect those who know about them. Our friends automatically want to help, but they have problems of their own also. So while we can we should keep our problems to ourselves, learn to deal with them until we can no longer carry them alone. Then when we go to our friends we should listen to their advice, we owe it to them to at least give it a try. They care about us and we should care about and respect them in return them. I hope this has all made sense. ++SMILE++ LOVE EVERYONE!!!