Well when the day started out I had no idea what I was going
to write about tonight. But then at dinner it hit me. My mom started giving me
crap about being in a crappy mood, which I was, I was stressed working on my
brother’s computer and the dog wouldn’t stop barking. But that’s all, nothing big and
yet I was REALLY getting pissed off and it made me think.
I’ve been dealing with cancer for around 4 years now and yes of course that comes with a little stress, but nothing much, I mean I don’t let it effect me. I’m surrounded by positive things that keep me positive, not to mention I’ve pretty well trained myself to stay positive no matter what. I’ve lived a pretty bad life for the past decade or so but I’ve ALWAYS been able to stay AWESOME. Growing up I was always picked on and made fun of, so when I got older I started rebelling, stealing, lieing, anything to fit in and when my parents had enough they put me out. I lived hopping from friends house to house, broke for a while. Then I spent some time homeless sleeping in Wal-Mart bathrooms, abandoned buildings, recycle bins, and clothing donation boxes. After that I spent a year in one of the toughest prisons in Illinois, paroling out to a homeless shelter.
I’ve been dealing with cancer for around 4 years now and yes of course that comes with a little stress, but nothing much, I mean I don’t let it effect me. I’m surrounded by positive things that keep me positive, not to mention I’ve pretty well trained myself to stay positive no matter what. I’ve lived a pretty bad life for the past decade or so but I’ve ALWAYS been able to stay AWESOME. Growing up I was always picked on and made fun of, so when I got older I started rebelling, stealing, lieing, anything to fit in and when my parents had enough they put me out. I lived hopping from friends house to house, broke for a while. Then I spent some time homeless sleeping in Wal-Mart bathrooms, abandoned buildings, recycle bins, and clothing donation boxes. After that I spent a year in one of the toughest prisons in Illinois, paroling out to a homeless shelter.
From there I got a
job working at McDonalds, LITERALLY flipping burgers.(what everyone told me I’d
be doing) I work with some pretty amazing people there, no doubt, and they’re
the reason I continue. But it’s still McDonalds, I don’t want my gravestone to
say “Hey, he was a good Manager.” Then I got cancer. BUT Through all this I’ve
been able to keep a smile on my face, diagnosed Manic Depressive, but still
smiling. The smile isn’t fake either. I’m, for the most part, a happy person.
I just focus on the
positive things, Homeless: No one is gonna tell me what to do, Party every day,
on my schedule, just gotta find it. Prison: Now’s my chance to change my life,
when I get out I’m gonna do it. McDonalds: It’s a paycheck, and hey I get to
joke all night, hang-out with friends, and listen to music. Cancer: It sucks,
but it brought me and my family back together, gave me a new family, TONS of
new friends, and hey WHEN I survive it, it’ll make one HELLUVA story. Cancer
Round Two: Even more epic, another chapter to the story and another chance to
inspire people.
Point is I’ve never had problems until cancer. I was told
last time(my first round with cancer) that I’ve become an asshole since I got
cancer by a co-worker. At the time I didn’t think anything of it because a
large number of my co-workers are RATHER dramatic. So I just brushed it off, so
I thought. But I would catch myself thinking about it from time to time.
Maybe I am an asshole now.
I’ve realized that I seem to care about other people less and less every day. I don’t understand it, I find myself complaining more EVERY day. I complain about how much people whine, how much people don’t do anything to fix the situation they are complaining about, how stuck up people are, how self-righteous and cynical people are, how it seems NO ONE can just be happy with what they have and HAPPY that OTHER PEOPLE are happy. These things. . .I was going to say drive me crazy but honestly, these things HURT me more and more every day. I can’t understand it and it pisses me off. But I think it always has, I’ve just always been able to control it before because I cared. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk losing a friend. But that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore and it kinda hurts to know that. In the past couple months I’ve lost two CLOSE friends because I told them my opinion of their situation, which they aired in public. I told them how it was, held nothing back and was completely honest with them. I told both of them that they needed to get off their ass and do something, to stop complaining on Facebook or justifying it and FIX IT. Both of them unfriended me. Was I an asshole, I think so, and it didn’t fix anything. But we justify being an asshole and cover it up by saying things like “I don’t sugarcoat it, I tell the truth” and “I’m gonna tell you how it is too your face.” I dunno I feel like maybe she was right and I’ve become and asshole now, but what scares me is, for the first time, I dunno how(or if I can) fix it.
You see I’ve done research. Before it was easy, just focus and I can fix myself. If you smile, even a fake smile, it’ll make you happy(don’t believe me google it) focus on the positive things, there are ALWAYS positive things. I’ve always been able to control my depression. But now I read things like, my surgery might cause personality changes, my medication might cause changes in personality, chemo(that’s right you guessed it) might cause personality changes.
My point is what if it’s permanent, what if this asshole side of me is something permanent. I’ve already realized that right now, it’s A LOT harder to deal with. Manic depression is something I had to learn to live with and now this might be too. Manic depression on PCP now I gotta learn how to deal with that. Cause that’s my only option, learn to deal with it. First step is find the positive in it: I don’t take anyone’s crap anymore, I have no problem calling someone out when they’re lying, asshole’s are the best at giving their friends a hard time ha ha. Seriously though I used to REALLY care about people, kinda like an "empath" I could REALLY connect with a person and understand how they felt. I want that again and if I can get that back then that’s PROOF I can teach the world to do it too. I can teach the world to connect with each other, love each other and understand each other. Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m not the only one.
So here I go, another day, and the first day with my new understanding of my life. Thank you for reading this, writing it really helped me figure some things out. I hope you enjoyed it, because I really enjoyed writing it. I don’t like to make my complaints about the world a public thing, because everyone else does and it drives me crazy. Anyone can complain and what’s sad is nowadays it takes someone special to take action. It’s nice being Clark Kent from time to time, but being Superman is more fun. So remember, we all struggle with things, some big and some SMALL. But we have to figure out how to separate the things we can fix from the things we can’t. Then learn to live with the things we can’t while we fix what we can, and ALWAYS find the positive side of the struggle. What will I achieve, what will I gain, or what can happen next. Find the positive, have some fun along the way, ++SMILE++ and LOVE EVERYONE it's good for you.
I’ve realized that I seem to care about other people less and less every day. I don’t understand it, I find myself complaining more EVERY day. I complain about how much people whine, how much people don’t do anything to fix the situation they are complaining about, how stuck up people are, how self-righteous and cynical people are, how it seems NO ONE can just be happy with what they have and HAPPY that OTHER PEOPLE are happy. These things. . .I was going to say drive me crazy but honestly, these things HURT me more and more every day. I can’t understand it and it pisses me off. But I think it always has, I’ve just always been able to control it before because I cared. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk losing a friend. But that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore and it kinda hurts to know that. In the past couple months I’ve lost two CLOSE friends because I told them my opinion of their situation, which they aired in public. I told them how it was, held nothing back and was completely honest with them. I told both of them that they needed to get off their ass and do something, to stop complaining on Facebook or justifying it and FIX IT. Both of them unfriended me. Was I an asshole, I think so, and it didn’t fix anything. But we justify being an asshole and cover it up by saying things like “I don’t sugarcoat it, I tell the truth” and “I’m gonna tell you how it is too your face.” I dunno I feel like maybe she was right and I’ve become and asshole now, but what scares me is, for the first time, I dunno how(or if I can) fix it.
You see I’ve done research. Before it was easy, just focus and I can fix myself. If you smile, even a fake smile, it’ll make you happy(don’t believe me google it) focus on the positive things, there are ALWAYS positive things. I’ve always been able to control my depression. But now I read things like, my surgery might cause personality changes, my medication might cause changes in personality, chemo(that’s right you guessed it) might cause personality changes.
My point is what if it’s permanent, what if this asshole side of me is something permanent. I’ve already realized that right now, it’s A LOT harder to deal with. Manic depression is something I had to learn to live with and now this might be too. Manic depression on PCP now I gotta learn how to deal with that. Cause that’s my only option, learn to deal with it. First step is find the positive in it: I don’t take anyone’s crap anymore, I have no problem calling someone out when they’re lying, asshole’s are the best at giving their friends a hard time ha ha. Seriously though I used to REALLY care about people, kinda like an "empath" I could REALLY connect with a person and understand how they felt. I want that again and if I can get that back then that’s PROOF I can teach the world to do it too. I can teach the world to connect with each other, love each other and understand each other. Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m not the only one.
So here I go, another day, and the first day with my new understanding of my life. Thank you for reading this, writing it really helped me figure some things out. I hope you enjoyed it, because I really enjoyed writing it. I don’t like to make my complaints about the world a public thing, because everyone else does and it drives me crazy. Anyone can complain and what’s sad is nowadays it takes someone special to take action. It’s nice being Clark Kent from time to time, but being Superman is more fun. So remember, we all struggle with things, some big and some SMALL. But we have to figure out how to separate the things we can fix from the things we can’t. Then learn to live with the things we can’t while we fix what we can, and ALWAYS find the positive side of the struggle. What will I achieve, what will I gain, or what can happen next. Find the positive, have some fun along the way, ++SMILE++ and LOVE EVERYONE it's good for you.
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