Believing in eachother. day 102

It's at this time I want to make a something very clear. During the month between Dr. visits I was repeatedly asked about the situation. Advice to those who care about someone with cancer, please be careful how you suggest they deal with it and how you bring up your worries about things. I cannot express how annoying it gets when people would ask how I was and I would respond with "I'm okay, if the cancer is back so be it, I've always wanted a second chance to kick some cancer ass." Then I would get a look, one of astonishment followed by almost pity or worry and people would say "But it's not back, you're going to go to the Doctor and everything will be fine and of course you'll still be in remission." as if they believed my attitude was negative and I was in need of reassurance. For some people this is good, some people need it but that's not me. I'm a strong fighter with no plans of giving up, BUT one of the ways I cope with this has been and is, I HOPE for the best and prepare for the worst.

When I first got diagnosed I was built up by all my doctors, friends, and family to believe I didn't have cancer. This was not my friends' or family's fault at all but the Doctors. They all kept telling me not to worry, 9/10 brain tumors are benign and the chances of having cancer, let alone BRAIN cancer, at the age of 22 was little to none, so I had nothing to worry about. So like always I didn't worry, and I trusted my doctors. (Which don't get me wrong, my Doctor was a good man) But when I went in and the doctor told me I had cancer, that the tumor was growing and I would need another surgery, chemo, and radiation I was totally unprepared for it, and I broke down. Had it not been for my AMAZING roommates and friends at the time, I'm not sure how I would have survived that day. But I did, they reminded me that I am THE ONE AND ONLY: MOTHER F***ING JOHN HOLT YO!!! and cancer ain't got nothing on me.

Thinking about it now they are the ones who gave me this attitude, from the start they believed in me and never showed any signs of worry. On top of that if I did they looked at me like I was OUT OF MY MIND to even think ANYTHING could go wrong. I owe ALOT to them.

So my point in all of this is that it's OKAY to worry about the people you care for, and it's good to let them know you care. But don't let them know you worry, or if you do make sure they know you know you're crazy for it. Because, take me for instance, I do everything I can every day to make sure the people who care about me know they don't have anything to worry about. I want everyone to know I'll be OKAY because I don't want them to worry. But to do this and do it honestly I need to BELIEVE that I'm going to be okay. Which I do, but just like I reassure my friends and family, I need them to reassure me of the same at times. But when I see everyone worried, I can't help but think about what they're worried about. . .then I'm left to myself to reassure myself that THEY'RE CRAZY and worried for no reason. Then that honestly puts ALOT of weight on me, and it drains me. This is difficult to do by myself, especially since I am SO used to having SO many people behind me. At times it might seem like I think I'm fighting this fight alone, but I KNOW I'M NOT. I have friends and family, all over the world, who are praying for me, wishing for me, hoping for me, and thinking of me. I'm never alone . . . none of us are.

I've also got God watching over me, sending me through these trials preparing me for whatever lies in the future. And I know He's not going to let me down, I have faith that whatever lies ahead it is for a reason and for the greater good. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I've been through ALOT in life and I'm only 26, I can't help but believe that there is some reason for it, some reason I got a second chance, some reason I've become so strong, some reason people believe in me, SOMETHING I'm here to do. It may be big headed of me but so be it, either way I'll achieve something great in my life and I won't be doing it alone.

So please, show your faith in your loved ones, and let them know there is nothing to worry about. That they are strong, amazing and undefeatable. We all worry at times, but when we do we must reassure ourselves that our worries are unfounded because the problem is fixable. Then we can stop worrying and take action, so help reassure your loved ones that they are capable of ANYTHING, especially WINNING this fight. ++SMILE++ and LOVE EVERYONE