Sometimes you get tired.

I'm incredibly tired today, haven't started chemo either, just took four dogs to the Vet simultaneously. But that's not why I'm tired, I'm tired because I miss my ex-girlfriend, because I'm fighting the same fight I fought 4 years ago, because no one gets it, because the world drives me insane, and because tired is the CLOSEST thing to an emotion I can display. I don't know why but ever since the surgery I've just felt empty, I have an anger in me and there are time where I feel I might get emotional but it doesn't happen.

Not even real Happy, I haven't been REALLY happy since since I broke up with my now EX. But even with her things weren't perfect, she deserved SO much more than I was able to give her. She did alot for me and yet I can honestly say I had no REAL feelings for her. But I should have, she was amazing, caring, BEAUTIFUL, smart, a hard worker, and on the path to living a meaningful life. But for some reason when we broke up I felt nothing. . .didn't really care. I mean YES I miss her, it's hard to not miss someone you talked all day to and spent so much time with. But before, believe me I would have fallen in love with her like I wanted to. But as much as I wanted to I couldn't. . .I don't think I can fall in love with ANYONE right now.

I feel SO emotionless, this is going to sound silly, and please laugh because I would much prefer this stay upbeat than a dismal pity party for my emotions. I used to cry ALOT, if you don't believe me ask my my "roommate". But I didn't cry at sad points I cried tears of joy at the happy moments. Take movies for instance, main Character dies, I might shed a tribute tear, but that's all. The you get movies like Pay it Forward, constant tear fest for me. I cry every time someone pay's it forward, when he explains the idea in the beginning, and when he gives his positive speech in the end. It's kinda pathetic maybe, but my mom taught me YEARS ago that tears hold the hormone to that causes stress. SO when you cry you become less stressed out and MUCH more calm. So that's what I did when I got stressed I cried. . .worked well so far.

But now I seem unable to shed even a single tear and I'm under more stress than I have ever been under before. I have cancer, I still need to finish school, I need to do SOMETHING with Holt's Home, I need to find a new job, I need to get a car, and VARIOUS other more normal things. It's enough to drive some one CRAZY. . .HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAH Ha Ha ha. See what I mean.

But no I'm not going crazy I'm hanging in there like Batman(Get it? Cause Bat's hang) I'm just going with the flow focusing on the positive, of which there's ALOT, and preparing for the next step. BUT I also worry, because I just down my emotions JUST ABIT last time and it cause break downs every so often. I would cry and pray and feel bad for myself, the usual "Why me, why now?" sort of thing I'm sure ALL young adults do at times after being diagnosed with cancer. But I keep waiting for it to happen and it doesn't, it's kinda scary. I wonder if or when it does happen if it'll be worse than before, if I'll be by myself when it happens. Maybe I'll be in a crowded elevator and scare the CRAP out of everyone when I look up, throw my hands up and yell "WHY ME GOD WHY NOW AND WHY AGAIN?" Something the old me would find HILARIOUS but right now I'm not sure I even know what funny or happy mean. I just feel emotionless and EMPTY and that worries me.

But for now I just have to wait, work on it, do my best to stay happy and not get stressed out. I mean I've got some pretty awesome people in my life and I'm sure they're gonna be there fore me every step of the way. But I have to prepare for the chance they're not. . .I guess we all have to learn to depend only on ourselves if we want to survive in the world. It's good to draw strength from others and it's good to have a shoulder to lean on, but it's not good to rely on others or become dependent on them, cause they might not always be there to hold you up. So I'm gonna keep looking up and walking this road, resting on a shoulder every once in a while. You should too ++SMILE++ LOVE EVERYONE