So I had a very interesting day 100 of this diagnoses, it started out normal, bowl of cereal, law and order SVU the usual. But then on the way to my Grandad's house for fathers Day celebrations the oddest thing happened. It had actually happened twice before, all of a sudden I felt. . .not exactly light headed but almost weightless, but I was sitting down. At the same time I got the weirdest feeling in the back on my tongue, then I was was able to speak but some of the words wouldn't come out right. It was the oddest thing. But it wasn't the first time this had happened, the first was right after the last surgery while I was in ICU. But at the time I assumed it was seizure related because I knew they had not been giving me the full dose of my anti-seizure medicine. The it happened again a couple weeks ago, but still no seizure. Then today, the first time I experienced the trouble speaking. Then it happened again today, and the trouble speaking was worse. So at this point, after dealing with brain issues for so long, I thought "I know what this is, these are symptoms of a stroke, and I'm a brain cancer SURVIVOR stokes happen to people like me all the time." So this wasn't the first time I had this thought cross my mind, it happened when I was in school, still in the radio broadcasting program. But at the time they determined it was nothing to worry about. Also back then the symptoms were MUCH different. This time I was having speech problems which are notorious for being stroke related. . .or atleast they are when you've survived Brain cancer.
And that's the funny thing about cancer, ask any cancer patient "When is it over, how long does it take to feel normal again?" And I bet the answer you get is "I dunno, I'm not there yet." At least that's how it's been for me, I guess traumatizing is the best way to put it. For instance, last year when I was having all my urinary tract problems, I kept thinking for sure that I had bladder cancer and the internet doesn't help. They're not kidding when the say "The internet ALWAYS leads to cancer" when I looked it up, sure enough I had most of the symptoms. . .PLUS I had a history of cancer. Which was the real problem. I had survived cancer, but before that I had also, ended up, out of no where, rather healthy and building up to the prime of my life, been diagnosed with cancer. So now I find that out of instinct I always HOPE for the BEST and prepare for the worst. So now my immediate thoughts when things go wrong or even seem wrong are, maybe it's cancer. . .again, it was that one time, AND that other time too.
I've said it before and BOY do I mean it, Cancer is the gift that KEEPS on giving. From memory problems caused by Radiation and loss of sight in parts of my eyes from the surgeries, to the constant thought, it might come back and the constant fear it could happen again. It's the gift that keeps on giving. It's a pain in the ass I tell yah. . .or well I guess it's a headache in my case.
Either way I'm beginning to realize it's not gonna be as easy as I thought to get over. Not that it won't be easy :D just not as easy as I thought. It's a pain and it's not fair but it's a part of my life and I don't have a choice but to deal with it. I'm not gonna lay down and whine and I'm not gonna lie and say it's completely easy either. We all know better, CANCER SUCKS it's not a lie, and it sticks with you for a long time. But I don't see a problem with that, who wants to be normal anyway right? Weird is much more fun, and I like a challenge.
So in the end I went to the ER at Alton Memorial, they did what tests that could and they don't think it was Stroke activity, but they couldn't rule it out. They weren't sure what it was. So they made sure I was okay and released me demanding that I call my Neurosurgeon in the morning. I'm not sure when lies ahead, but then again we never do. So like always I'm gonna hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But most of all I'm gonna keep livin (L-I-V-I-N). With no plans on stopping, slowing down or speeding up. I'm gonna Just Keep Swimming, SMILING and LOVING EVERYONE while taking it one day at a time. Give it a try, it's pretty fun.
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