So This is Christmas :D

Today is a day that for me is really bittersweet. I love it because I get to spend it with probably the coolest most amazing family I know. But I don't get to spend it with my real family. I haven't spent it with them in almost a decade, and sometimes it makes me wonder if they're really my family anymore. This year’s been very 50/50 for me, which is kind of funny because I came out of remission and well that's the name of the movie. But a lot has happened, cancer came back, another surgery, so far I'm 6 months into Chemo and only half way finished. I met an amazing girl and spent some of the biggest moments of my life with her, but things didn’t work out. I had to quit working because this time around the chemo is too much, and that's VERY hard to swallow. I haven't been able to continue my studies and Holt's Home has been put on hold, my life kind of came crashing down this year. It started I was in my own place, living well, about to get back into school, 1 more semester and I had my degree. Then the tumor regrew, I'm back living with my Mom, collecting disability and at times bed ridden, I was where I promised myself I would never end up. Living the nightmare that is cancer all over again.

Looking at the "BIG" events, last year sucked, and it kind of did. But if you look at the MOMENTS, it was amazing. I've met some AMAZING people, like Cara and Billy who run a foundation called HOPE For Young Adults With Cancer, and they never stop providing that HOPE. They're not even survivors, just a group of people who've been affected by the tragedy and yet they've given me something I've searched for, for years. A group of survivors, my age, that get together every couple months and LAUGH IN THE FACE OF CANCER, while we exchange war stories of chemo, radiation, surgeries, and experimental therapy. It's amazing, and on top of that they introduced me too Ashley Swip who runs a foundation called 3 Little Birds 4 Life, and they grant wishes for young adults like me. Ashley said I reminded her of her AMAZING brother who she lost to cancer, an honor I can’t begin to express, and granted my wish by giving me the most AMAZING day of my life and letting me share it with friends. They got the help of another foundation, I am Genie, and together they gave me a day I'll never forget. I flew a plane, I went to a Blues Play-off game, I stayed in an AMAZING hotel for the night, ate at an AMAZING restaurant, and got tickets to a Cardinals Game. On Top of all that I got to do it with two of the MOST amazing people I know, Chris and Michelle. They flew them in from Florida just so I could show them how much I appreciated EVERYTHING they did for me at the time of my diagnoses. It was a DREAM COME TRUE. I've met A LOT of amazing people this year, made amazing new friends, and had a pretty good time doing it.

Yes my year has sucked, constantly, severely, but I still stay positive. Because for one, I know people who have it worse, like a mom who's spending Christmas Eve sleeping in her car with her kids, like other homeless people who are fighting their own battles. People in prison, waiting to get out so they can show the world they've changed, but for now they don't get a holiday, just a nicer plate of food. Mother and fathers who are spending Christmas in the hospital with their sons or daughters, daughters and sons spending their first Christmas without their mother or father. There are soldiers away risking their life, while their families open presents, wishing they were there. There are people who feel unloved and uncared for spending Christmas alone and bitter. There are a million scenarios that play out worse than mine. I remember that and I'm thankful, I have a family, I'm not alone. I'm indoors and I'm warm. I'm sick but I'm not dying, I'm home and not in the hospital. I don't have a lot, but I have a little and right now that's all I need.

We all fight battles, every day, every choice is a battle. But we need to remember it could be worse, it could always be worse. We're alive, and that means we have a chance, we need to find the brilliant and beautiful things in our lives and embrace them for what they are. We need to embrace the future and the things it might bring, yes some will be bad like cancer, family moving away, and changes you didn't plan. But you'll also meet new friends, maybe new family, witness new things, beauty not yet seen by our eyes. You can make something of your life, one moment at a time. We just have to stay positive and remember that as cliché as it may sound, it's true. It could be worse, it could be raining. So if you have trouble seeking out the positive in your life, look at the negative in other people’s lives. Don't pity them but remember, at least that's not you, everyone is fighting a battle. A wise man one said "You can't treat every situation as life or death. . .or you'll die a lot of times"-Van Wilder. So take a look at your life and remember chances are about 6 billion to 1 that someone out there has it worse than you and those are pretty good chances. 

So this is Christmas, and things are far from perfect today. Maybe family is fighting, you're spending the day alone, or you couldn't get that one good gift. There are a million things that could be wrong, but there's one thing that's right. You're ALIVE and that's a pretty good way to start the day, just work your hardest to make the rest of the day that way. Just put on that smile, ignore the drama and the negativity, give Scrooge a BIG HUG, stand in AWE of your life, and all the amazing possibilities. Enjoy the food, the company, and ALL the presents. Cause today is beautiful, if you make it that way. LOVE EVERYONE, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Expectations

I think sometimes the biggest source of our sadness is disappointment from setting our expectations too high. From expecting to be cured, to expecting to have a great night, we have a tendency to expect too much from ourselves and the people around us and are not prepared to be let down. But fact is there are SO many things in this world that are completely out of our control, and we should realize this before expecting anything. Or more importantly before we let ourselves become upset when things don't go as planned. Because that is a guarantee in life, things will not always go as planned, that extra hard chemo/radiation session you did might not work, your friends might have to bail on your birthday, or your camping trip might get rained out. These things happen, they are often out of anyone’s control, and they should always be expected. Not as a first expectation, because it would be rather depressing to always expect the worst. But they should always be in the back of your head, Hope for the Best, but Be Prepared for the Worst in all aspects of life. 

It's never fun when your friends or family fail to live up to your expectations, but ask yourself, is it possible that you are expecting too much? Take for instance a friend of mine from high school, just after being diagnosed with cancer she found me on Facebook, added me as a friend, and sent me a message asking me if I remembered her and how I was doing. I told her "Of course I remember you, and I'm doing well, but not perfect. I actually just found out I have brain cancer, it's not a big deal but it's a LOT. I'm not sure how to react yet. lol" In the 4 years since I haven't received a response and after receiving the message I'm rather sure she deleted and blocked me. Either that or she just gave up on and deleted Facebook, but I think the first is more likely. When she didn't respond, it hurt, more than I could have ever expected. How could the fact that I have cancer warrant such behavior? So I gave it some thought. I put myself in her shoes and tried to think of a reason, a reasonable reason, for such a harsh reaction. 

This is what I came up with, for one; we hadn't spoken in over 5 years, so this wasn't a great loss if I didn't take it personal. Two; I had NO idea what she could be going through at the time, what if she had just lost her father or mother too cancer? What if she just didn't want to take the chance of going through such grief again? What if she just decided she wasn't strong enough or didn't know how to reply to that kind of news? So she didn't, she ran knowing it was no big loss to me and who knows maybe it was a bigger loss to her. I thought for a long time about it and decided the best thing for the both of us was to give her the benefit of the doubt. In High School she had always been a GREAT girl, good grades, good friends, MUCH better than the criminal I was at the time. So why would I assume she was any less amazing now and why should I expect anything from someone I hadn't seen or spoken too in so long. So I let it rest at that and I realized something amazing, it didn't hurt anymore, because I had given it a reason, it wasn't my fault and I had no reason to blame her. An unnecessary weight had been lifted and I felt and still feel much better about it. Some of my friends, God bless them, can't handle that story. "There's no excuse for it, what a horrible person." But to this I always respond, I am not hurt, it's okay, whatever the excuse, even if there isn't one, what does it matter. This way neither of us are hurt, there was no substantial damage done, and I learned a hard lesson.

We have too many expectations, and make too many assumptions about the people in our lives and doing this results in a LOT of unnecessary pain and stress. Next time a friend bails on you, stands you up or doesn't answer your call or text. Give them the benefit of the doubt, wait it out, and put yourself in their shoes. Try to come up with a reason that you would have made that choice. You might find that there are many reasons for an action, and then later you might find out that the action was justified. Because if you automatically assume the worst of someone, that person probably wasn't really your friend and quite frankly your night, possibly your life would be much better without them. If they are truly your friend then you should have no problems making excuses for their minor occasional flaws. If you do find that difficult you should probably just write them off, it sounds harsh but if they really care, they will fight to stay in your life. If they don't then you have just freed up more time to spend with your awesome friends, or make new friends which could prove to be a much more fulfilling task than whatever was originally planned. 

So lower your expectations, or maybe even get rid of them completely and prepare yourself for a fight. Because the best things in life are unexpected and usually earned. You'll make more friends, because the people you meet won't feel so pressured, and you'll be constantly surprised when your friends do amazing things for you. Which they will, because they're friends, but also remember, they don't have to, because they're only friends. They have their own lives and their own struggles, and sometimes it's not easy to be amazing. Even Superman had Kryptonite, none of us are perfect, though we may try so hard to be. Forgive those you care about, be understanding that sometimes things go wrong, and that not everyone deserves a place in your life. Expect nothing, LOVE EVERYONE, and enjoy the ride. Because you never know how short, or long, it might be.

Superman

The first time I went through treatment I was "superman." Everyone was amazed from the point of diagnoses on. I took the diagnoses like a little more than nothing, but definitely not as something. I did my surgeries and was back at work as soon as the staples were out. I didn't slow down for anyone or anything. Even during treatment I'd go to radiation in my uniform so I could go straight to work after. I remember going to work on treatment days, running to the bathroom to throw up and coming right back out and handing out the next order. (After washing up of course) “No” wasn't an option, only “go.” Keep your head up and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. It's ONLY cancer, just chemo, and what's radiation? Nothing affected me and nothing was going to make me a "cancer" patient. It was hard at times yes but it was a high point in my life. I was able to show everyone who cared about me that they had NOTHING to worry about. This is a breeze, nothing more, in a couple of weeks I'll be on my way and on with my life. 

And I was until I came out of remission and have to do this WHOLE thing again minus one surgery and radiation. So I thought this time around will be cake, tumors back but it's slower growing so let’s put it down for the count. Easy said, easy done. But instead it's turning out to be easier said, than done. This is taking a REAL toll on me and for the first time I feel like an actual cancer patient I guess. I'm reminded constantly that I'm lucky enough not to look sick, but this time I'm really feeling it. I'm tired, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and I'm just so exhausted it's insane. It's been getting worse every time too, and I'm not quite yet half through. So I'm left to ponder ways to keep myself going. What do I do if I keep NOT recovering between rounds?

So far this is what I've come up with. One; even heroes have the right to bleed, so I'm going to use that and keep going. I'm realizing that I can have my down days. 2; Thinking about ways to handle future problems and worrying about them are two different things. I can make plans for how to handle future treatments and not necessarily "worry" about them. 3; Talk to people, they are my greatest inspiration and yet I keep them in the dark to keep them from worrying. 4; I'm John Holt YO!!! I need to cowboy up and push myself more. Cause what's the worst that will happen? More naps, more exhaustion and more days in bed which isn't too bad. So I've just got to get up and do it, just like I did last time.

I've got a little over a week left and then I'm halfway there and quite frankly I'm living on much more than a prayer. I'm living on me, The One and Only: John Holt YO!!! Ha HA and that seems to be a lot. So from here on I'm going to embrace my down times, share them with people and let my friends lift my spirits. Because I'm also realizing that I can show that I'm weak at times and have problems without throwing a pity party and being Negative about it. I'm a human being and "Superman" is just a name that was given by some loving friends who cared about me. So I can be Superman sometimes but I'm John Holt first and foremost. 

So as I've said, things get hard at times, and they're almost never easy. But just because they're not easy doesn't mean they've got to be hard. So from here on out, one day at a time, I'll Just Keep Swimming, or rather sleeping, through this. Then in 25 weeks or so, when I'm one week away from being finished and back in remission. I'll have plenty of strength to celebrate this horrible battle that is cancer. It's making me stronger and that's never easy, but like I said, that doesn't mean it's got to be hard.

The Hardest Part

It's been a while since my last post because I've been in kind of a funk. Things have been VERY slow in my life, just moving between treatment cycles dealing with side effects and new doctors. It's my favorite part of cancer. Well no that's a lie, all the friends, love, and care that I receive is my favorite part. For the most part this hasn't been a bad experience for me at any point. I've flown through everything, 3 surgeries, chemo, radiation, and remission. Even this time, on the harder chemo, it's been pretty simple for me to keep going.

But that's because, for me, the hardest part of cancer isn't treatment, surgeries, or side effects. For those of us who are lucky enough to survive, or at least for me, the hardest part of cancer is watching SO MANY good friends, fellow fighters and survivors, lose the battle. There are no words for the realization it bring about. It's something that, no matter who you are or how strong you might be, comes as a rude awakening from the blissful happiness that is living with cancer. The realization that not everyone wins, someday this fight might get the best of me. Someday cancer might kill me.

It's what cancer does it kills you, it may not be guaranteed, but it's going to try. I'm LIVING with a cancer that has a 70% chance of reoccurring. So there's a chance that I'll be fighting this on and off for the rest of my life. That's a hard fact of cancer and when I see close friends lose their fight, it's a hard reminder of the possibilities.

But it's also another kind of awakening. It reminds me that I don't have time to sit around and ponder the possibilities of my mortality. I HAVE A FIGHT TO WIN!!! And I have another soul to honor by fighting my hardest day in and day out, never giving up or considering surrender. Because that's they want us to do. I know this because I have cancer and EVERY person who has cancer, whether terminal or not, wants ANYONE who has cancer to win their fight. We want to see people WIN their battle, we love seeing posts containing the words I'm IN REMISSION!!! Because not only does it prove to us that it CAN HAPPEN. It also means that someone is no longer suffering; they're done with the treatments and off to the 5 year point.

So for all Those who have passed before me I promise: I'll fight every day, I'll smile and stay positive, I'll LOVE LIKE LOLA and I'll never give up. Because I know that's what they would want. So I mourn the loss of the many souls who went to soon, but I also acknowledge that for every fighter who loses their battle, those of us still fighting gain another Angel. I've lost count of the angels I know by name, but the memories I shared with them will always be with me. One step at a time I'll fight this fight.

Tired, worn out, in pain, sick, or just exhausted. I'll fight, for those we've met, those we've lost and those who will someday hear those words "You have Cancer." I'll set the example, that even if cancer ends your life, it doesn't have to ruin it. You can keep on LIVIN, SMILIN, LOVIN, AND LAUGHIN till the end of time. Whether 30 or 130 it's up to us to keep positive, find motivation and NEVER admit defeat. Because we're cancer SURVIVORS whether for a week, day, or even a minute, we've survived something horrible, scary and not much fun.

So Here I am, 32 weeks of treatment left and 8 weeks away from being halfway through treatment and I'm smiling. Because what else am I to do, cry? Sometimes, yes, and get angry at times too, but for the most part I prefer to stay positive and happy. Because I prefer being happy, and if I die tomorrow I'd much rather die happy, than angry or just scared.

Life is Good

So just now I was asked a rather simple and common question, one that I have been asked MANY times. Especially in the past five years since being diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer. It's the most asked question ANYONE with a severe illness, such as cancer or aids, will hear most likely. It can be worded differently but it's always the same question. "How are you feeling/doing?" "How's life?" "Feeling well today?" In essence these are all the same question, and a question that at times I am VERY tired of hearing. Because when you don’t have cancer or anything the like, people don’t ask “How are you doing?” very often, they just say things like “hey what’s up?” or “what’s going on?”

But I’m not tired of being asked because I don't appreciate people caring about me. It’s not that at all. If not for people caring about me this battle would be almost meaningless. But instead it is because of a few different reasons. Number one, I am tired of being reminded of something I already know. I have cancer, and every time I'm asked this question, especially "How are you doing?" or feeling, I am reminded of the constant battle I'm doing my best to ignore. It makes it hard to enjoy life when people are always worrying about you. This is the reason I do my best to keep positive, to stop people from worrying about me. I know I am sick, and I have plenty of reminders of this.

My main reminder is that my entire day is spent on Facebook reading my friends posts about their lives, and offering my advice and opinions on their situation. Hoping to aid my friends in some way or at least inspire them to stay positive. That’s why people post things, so friends will read them and comment on them right? I care very much about my friends’ lives, all of them, and if my past experience can save someone else from any pain, then that make it even more worth it. Also so in case I am able to get out of the house and socialize I know what’s been going on. It helps to avoid awkward moments in conversations like “Oh you guys got divorced. . .”  Right now this is the most convenient way to keep up on my friends’ lives and show them that they are my friend and that I still care about their lives. It also cues me into what’s going on in the world aside from the big stories that make the nightly news and it’s the easiest form of available entertainment. Facebook and its population of, often times, real people are usually much more entertaining than reruns of SVU, NCIS, M*A*S*H, or reality TV. I enjoy reading the inspiring quotes, stories, viral videos, memes, and pictures people share as well. It gives me an idea of places I want to go, people I want to meet. And who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh from a cat video or an odd looking dog?

But reason two is, despite all that was said above, I always have the same answer for the most part and that will likely never change. Life is good, life is ALWAYS good. Yes it has its ups and downs but there are many people in the world less lucky than me, so life is GOOD. Not to imply that my life is simply better than others with cancer who are fighting a tougher battle. But everywhere, there are people who despise their current lives. There are people chasing an impossible perfection, spending all week working in an attempt to Live For Today over the weekend by spending money, getting drunk, meeting people, dancing and having an amazing time. Just to be thrown back into the real world again on Monday. Spending most of their lives in a world they hate for a momentary trip to a world they enjoy. 40 hours a week spent unhappy so they can have 16 hours of fun on the weekend. From the poor to millionaires EVERYONE is fighting a battle, and some are sadly loosing. Whether they’re fighting to pay the bills, depression, or cancer a loss is a loss and a win is a win. Right now I feel like I am winning, but I know elsewhere someone who has 8 cars and a mansion is losing their battle and needs to be asked "How do you feel" MUCH MORE than I do. In many ways this thought depresses me, but in more ways it inspires me.

This is proof to me that if I continue to think positive things will stay positive. That I don't need money to be happy all I need is to appreciate the things I do have. So while often the question has depressed me, tonight it inspired me. Tonight I realized my life is ALWAYS good. The key word being LIFE, meaning I'm alive, and it can get better. Life is compared to many things. From mountains, a river, a roller-coaster, a highway, and a box of chocolate, none of these things are always good or easy. Even the box of chocolate will have flavors you don't like and as much as you may love roller coasters, there is a reason people scream on them. Life is not always fun, easy, or pleasing. That’s why it’s never compared to a field, Hershey bar, a back road, or a creek. Life is bigger than that and there will be many times when life gets HARD. It’ll get bumpy, you’ll get stuck sometimes, you’ll find things you don’t like, and there are some crazy people out there in a hurry to cut you off just so they can slow you down. But remember, you haven't really hit rock bottom until you're six feet under. Meaning you can climb out of any hole you've dug yourself or fallen into.

Tonight I realized my answer from here on out to the dreaded question of how I am feeling, will be GOOD. Simply because no matter the situation I'm in, if I know I’m in it, that means I'm ALIVE and that means I still have the chance to improve things. Also the deeper I'm in; just means there's more room for improvement. It means I'll appreciate every snow flake, raindrop, smile, laugh and ray of sunshine even more. I have cancer, and that really sucks, believe me. I'm tired, I get sick, I deal with side effects, and restrictions. But none of that means I'm not alive and not going to give it my best EVERY day. I'm going to smile, laugh, dance, cry at beautiful things and enjoy every moment I can. LOVE EVERYONE!!! ++SMILE++

So in case you feel like asking, I'm SO MUCH MORE than fine or okay, I'm alive and that means I'm GREAT!!!

Kindness

You know what, kindness ROCKS, it can turn anyone's day into an amazing day no matter how horrible it was previously. It has SO much power to make AMAZING POSITIVE things happen. I look at my cancer diagnoses and I don't know what I would have done if not for the kindness shown to me by my friends, family, even random strangers like nurses and doctors. Kindness keeps my world turning, no joke. But what I don't understand is why it's considered weird at times or worse, creepy. For example a guy walks into a store and sees an attractive woman. So he decides to tell her he thinks she's beautiful. In today's world that's considered weird. This is a little understandable considering all the creepy guys who hit on girls and ruin kindness for the other guys. But it doesn’t have to be weird, it can be just kind, a nice compliment exchanged between strangers

But then there are friends? What I find most disappointing is that if I turn to a friend randomly and tell them how much I appreciate them, respect them, and love them. They will most likely look at me like I'm crazy, wondering why I would dump all this on them. Kindness should make people happy, cheer them up and make them happy to be alive. But instead it's so uncommon in the world that when a cancer patient thanks someone, from his heart, for all the support they give him, it comes off as weird.

The cancer part shouldn't even matter, we should be able to tell our loved ones that they are loved and appreciated daily. Why would this be weird? I wonder because recently I have had a flood of messages and posts thanking me for being positive. Telling me I am inspiring, and amazing. One girl even told me that I am the reason she is alive today. She told me that my positivity has inspired her to keep living her life rather than end it early. My friends sometimes make it difficult to be humble. But seriously, as much as I'd love to say I aim to inspire I don't. I live my life this way for my own good, because it's the only way I know to live and I have no plans to die anytime soon. I stay positive because it makes me happy and visa-verse. 

But I am able to stay positive because I am kind, it makes me happy to let people know how amazing they are because I think it makes them happy to know it. I am always happy when someone tells me I am important in their life, so I assume this is a universal truth and try to spread the kindness around. I think everyone should regularly, at least once a day, tell someone who is close to them how amazing it is to have them in their life. It's a win/win situation, one person becomes happy because they are appreciated, the other because they have put a smile on a friends face. 

So why doesn't this happen more often, why don't we express our feelings more often. Are we scared of them? No. Maybe the way the public will react when they hear about or see it, possibly. Because we sadly live in a world filled with jealous people, commonly referred to as "haters." People who are upset by other peoples happiness instead of being happy for the other person. For some reason people who are generally unhappy in life get even unhappier when they see other people happy. 

Take a past relationship for example: We were both VERY happy, for the most part, and as soon as people saw this rumors began to fly in the workplace regarding her ex-boyfriend, myself and of course her. This caused problems from the start and they were started by a manager who is well known for nasty rumors. I didn't understand it, when I see a happy couple in the park, it makes me happy. If I see children playing and having a great time with their parents I think that's awesome. Other people’s happiness makes me happy, yet for some reason this is no longer a universal truth. When I was growing up I was taught that colds were contagious, along with smiles, laughter, yawns, dancing, and cooties. Yet this doesn't seem to be true anymore, and I don't think it's the people who are jealous fault. 

I think the fault lies on everyone else sadly. A cold is not contagious if it is kept at a distance, and neither is anything else. So I think we who are happy need to work hard to spread our happiness to others. We are being, almost, selfish with our happiness. Instead of flaunting it at a distance we should find ways to share our happiness. We need to get closer to those who are jealous and instead of chastising them we should embrace them and show them there is no reason to be jealous. They are just as loved as anyone else, and definitely as AMAZING.

So today when you're out in the world, at work, school, church, the park, or a diner, no matter where, find someone and compliment them. Whether it be a friend who has always been there, or an elderly lady you just happen to notice who has a particularly interesting hat. It doesn't matter, give someone a compliment. Let someone know that they have been noticed. Put a smile on someone’s face and I'll bet you receive one for your own. I know it might seem scary at first, the thought of giving a complete stranger a compliment, but keep in mind how you could become the talk of their day. "You won't believe it. This amazing lady/gentleman came up to me today in Macy's just to let me know how pretty she/he thought my hat was." The simplest comment has the power to make someone’s day. So today, why not try it out, who knows it might just make your day too. LOVE EVERYONE ++SMILE++