Superman

The first time I went through treatment I was "superman." Everyone was amazed from the point of diagnoses on. I took the diagnoses like a little more than nothing, but definitely not as something. I did my surgeries and was back at work as soon as the staples were out. I didn't slow down for anyone or anything. Even during treatment I'd go to radiation in my uniform so I could go straight to work after. I remember going to work on treatment days, running to the bathroom to throw up and coming right back out and handing out the next order. (After washing up of course) “No” wasn't an option, only “go.” Keep your head up and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. It's ONLY cancer, just chemo, and what's radiation? Nothing affected me and nothing was going to make me a "cancer" patient. It was hard at times yes but it was a high point in my life. I was able to show everyone who cared about me that they had NOTHING to worry about. This is a breeze, nothing more, in a couple of weeks I'll be on my way and on with my life. 

And I was until I came out of remission and have to do this WHOLE thing again minus one surgery and radiation. So I thought this time around will be cake, tumors back but it's slower growing so let’s put it down for the count. Easy said, easy done. But instead it's turning out to be easier said, than done. This is taking a REAL toll on me and for the first time I feel like an actual cancer patient I guess. I'm reminded constantly that I'm lucky enough not to look sick, but this time I'm really feeling it. I'm tired, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and I'm just so exhausted it's insane. It's been getting worse every time too, and I'm not quite yet half through. So I'm left to ponder ways to keep myself going. What do I do if I keep NOT recovering between rounds?

So far this is what I've come up with. One; even heroes have the right to bleed, so I'm going to use that and keep going. I'm realizing that I can have my down days. 2; Thinking about ways to handle future problems and worrying about them are two different things. I can make plans for how to handle future treatments and not necessarily "worry" about them. 3; Talk to people, they are my greatest inspiration and yet I keep them in the dark to keep them from worrying. 4; I'm John Holt YO!!! I need to cowboy up and push myself more. Cause what's the worst that will happen? More naps, more exhaustion and more days in bed which isn't too bad. So I've just got to get up and do it, just like I did last time.

I've got a little over a week left and then I'm halfway there and quite frankly I'm living on much more than a prayer. I'm living on me, The One and Only: John Holt YO!!! Ha HA and that seems to be a lot. So from here on I'm going to embrace my down times, share them with people and let my friends lift my spirits. Because I'm also realizing that I can show that I'm weak at times and have problems without throwing a pity party and being Negative about it. I'm a human being and "Superman" is just a name that was given by some loving friends who cared about me. So I can be Superman sometimes but I'm John Holt first and foremost. 

So as I've said, things get hard at times, and they're almost never easy. But just because they're not easy doesn't mean they've got to be hard. So from here on out, one day at a time, I'll Just Keep Swimming, or rather sleeping, through this. Then in 25 weeks or so, when I'm one week away from being finished and back in remission. I'll have plenty of strength to celebrate this horrible battle that is cancer. It's making me stronger and that's never easy, but like I said, that doesn't mean it's got to be hard.