Life is Good

So just now I was asked a rather simple and common question, one that I have been asked MANY times. Especially in the past five years since being diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer. It's the most asked question ANYONE with a severe illness, such as cancer or aids, will hear most likely. It can be worded differently but it's always the same question. "How are you feeling/doing?" "How's life?" "Feeling well today?" In essence these are all the same question, and a question that at times I am VERY tired of hearing. Because when you don’t have cancer or anything the like, people don’t ask “How are you doing?” very often, they just say things like “hey what’s up?” or “what’s going on?”

But I’m not tired of being asked because I don't appreciate people caring about me. It’s not that at all. If not for people caring about me this battle would be almost meaningless. But instead it is because of a few different reasons. Number one, I am tired of being reminded of something I already know. I have cancer, and every time I'm asked this question, especially "How are you doing?" or feeling, I am reminded of the constant battle I'm doing my best to ignore. It makes it hard to enjoy life when people are always worrying about you. This is the reason I do my best to keep positive, to stop people from worrying about me. I know I am sick, and I have plenty of reminders of this.

My main reminder is that my entire day is spent on Facebook reading my friends posts about their lives, and offering my advice and opinions on their situation. Hoping to aid my friends in some way or at least inspire them to stay positive. That’s why people post things, so friends will read them and comment on them right? I care very much about my friends’ lives, all of them, and if my past experience can save someone else from any pain, then that make it even more worth it. Also so in case I am able to get out of the house and socialize I know what’s been going on. It helps to avoid awkward moments in conversations like “Oh you guys got divorced. . .”  Right now this is the most convenient way to keep up on my friends’ lives and show them that they are my friend and that I still care about their lives. It also cues me into what’s going on in the world aside from the big stories that make the nightly news and it’s the easiest form of available entertainment. Facebook and its population of, often times, real people are usually much more entertaining than reruns of SVU, NCIS, M*A*S*H, or reality TV. I enjoy reading the inspiring quotes, stories, viral videos, memes, and pictures people share as well. It gives me an idea of places I want to go, people I want to meet. And who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh from a cat video or an odd looking dog?

But reason two is, despite all that was said above, I always have the same answer for the most part and that will likely never change. Life is good, life is ALWAYS good. Yes it has its ups and downs but there are many people in the world less lucky than me, so life is GOOD. Not to imply that my life is simply better than others with cancer who are fighting a tougher battle. But everywhere, there are people who despise their current lives. There are people chasing an impossible perfection, spending all week working in an attempt to Live For Today over the weekend by spending money, getting drunk, meeting people, dancing and having an amazing time. Just to be thrown back into the real world again on Monday. Spending most of their lives in a world they hate for a momentary trip to a world they enjoy. 40 hours a week spent unhappy so they can have 16 hours of fun on the weekend. From the poor to millionaires EVERYONE is fighting a battle, and some are sadly loosing. Whether they’re fighting to pay the bills, depression, or cancer a loss is a loss and a win is a win. Right now I feel like I am winning, but I know elsewhere someone who has 8 cars and a mansion is losing their battle and needs to be asked "How do you feel" MUCH MORE than I do. In many ways this thought depresses me, but in more ways it inspires me.

This is proof to me that if I continue to think positive things will stay positive. That I don't need money to be happy all I need is to appreciate the things I do have. So while often the question has depressed me, tonight it inspired me. Tonight I realized my life is ALWAYS good. The key word being LIFE, meaning I'm alive, and it can get better. Life is compared to many things. From mountains, a river, a roller-coaster, a highway, and a box of chocolate, none of these things are always good or easy. Even the box of chocolate will have flavors you don't like and as much as you may love roller coasters, there is a reason people scream on them. Life is not always fun, easy, or pleasing. That’s why it’s never compared to a field, Hershey bar, a back road, or a creek. Life is bigger than that and there will be many times when life gets HARD. It’ll get bumpy, you’ll get stuck sometimes, you’ll find things you don’t like, and there are some crazy people out there in a hurry to cut you off just so they can slow you down. But remember, you haven't really hit rock bottom until you're six feet under. Meaning you can climb out of any hole you've dug yourself or fallen into.

Tonight I realized my answer from here on out to the dreaded question of how I am feeling, will be GOOD. Simply because no matter the situation I'm in, if I know I’m in it, that means I'm ALIVE and that means I still have the chance to improve things. Also the deeper I'm in; just means there's more room for improvement. It means I'll appreciate every snow flake, raindrop, smile, laugh and ray of sunshine even more. I have cancer, and that really sucks, believe me. I'm tired, I get sick, I deal with side effects, and restrictions. But none of that means I'm not alive and not going to give it my best EVERY day. I'm going to smile, laugh, dance, cry at beautiful things and enjoy every moment I can. LOVE EVERYONE!!! ++SMILE++

So in case you feel like asking, I'm SO MUCH MORE than fine or okay, I'm alive and that means I'm GREAT!!!

Kindness

You know what, kindness ROCKS, it can turn anyone's day into an amazing day no matter how horrible it was previously. It has SO much power to make AMAZING POSITIVE things happen. I look at my cancer diagnoses and I don't know what I would have done if not for the kindness shown to me by my friends, family, even random strangers like nurses and doctors. Kindness keeps my world turning, no joke. But what I don't understand is why it's considered weird at times or worse, creepy. For example a guy walks into a store and sees an attractive woman. So he decides to tell her he thinks she's beautiful. In today's world that's considered weird. This is a little understandable considering all the creepy guys who hit on girls and ruin kindness for the other guys. But it doesn’t have to be weird, it can be just kind, a nice compliment exchanged between strangers

But then there are friends? What I find most disappointing is that if I turn to a friend randomly and tell them how much I appreciate them, respect them, and love them. They will most likely look at me like I'm crazy, wondering why I would dump all this on them. Kindness should make people happy, cheer them up and make them happy to be alive. But instead it's so uncommon in the world that when a cancer patient thanks someone, from his heart, for all the support they give him, it comes off as weird.

The cancer part shouldn't even matter, we should be able to tell our loved ones that they are loved and appreciated daily. Why would this be weird? I wonder because recently I have had a flood of messages and posts thanking me for being positive. Telling me I am inspiring, and amazing. One girl even told me that I am the reason she is alive today. She told me that my positivity has inspired her to keep living her life rather than end it early. My friends sometimes make it difficult to be humble. But seriously, as much as I'd love to say I aim to inspire I don't. I live my life this way for my own good, because it's the only way I know to live and I have no plans to die anytime soon. I stay positive because it makes me happy and visa-verse. 

But I am able to stay positive because I am kind, it makes me happy to let people know how amazing they are because I think it makes them happy to know it. I am always happy when someone tells me I am important in their life, so I assume this is a universal truth and try to spread the kindness around. I think everyone should regularly, at least once a day, tell someone who is close to them how amazing it is to have them in their life. It's a win/win situation, one person becomes happy because they are appreciated, the other because they have put a smile on a friends face. 

So why doesn't this happen more often, why don't we express our feelings more often. Are we scared of them? No. Maybe the way the public will react when they hear about or see it, possibly. Because we sadly live in a world filled with jealous people, commonly referred to as "haters." People who are upset by other peoples happiness instead of being happy for the other person. For some reason people who are generally unhappy in life get even unhappier when they see other people happy. 

Take a past relationship for example: We were both VERY happy, for the most part, and as soon as people saw this rumors began to fly in the workplace regarding her ex-boyfriend, myself and of course her. This caused problems from the start and they were started by a manager who is well known for nasty rumors. I didn't understand it, when I see a happy couple in the park, it makes me happy. If I see children playing and having a great time with their parents I think that's awesome. Other people’s happiness makes me happy, yet for some reason this is no longer a universal truth. When I was growing up I was taught that colds were contagious, along with smiles, laughter, yawns, dancing, and cooties. Yet this doesn't seem to be true anymore, and I don't think it's the people who are jealous fault. 

I think the fault lies on everyone else sadly. A cold is not contagious if it is kept at a distance, and neither is anything else. So I think we who are happy need to work hard to spread our happiness to others. We are being, almost, selfish with our happiness. Instead of flaunting it at a distance we should find ways to share our happiness. We need to get closer to those who are jealous and instead of chastising them we should embrace them and show them there is no reason to be jealous. They are just as loved as anyone else, and definitely as AMAZING.

So today when you're out in the world, at work, school, church, the park, or a diner, no matter where, find someone and compliment them. Whether it be a friend who has always been there, or an elderly lady you just happen to notice who has a particularly interesting hat. It doesn't matter, give someone a compliment. Let someone know that they have been noticed. Put a smile on someone’s face and I'll bet you receive one for your own. I know it might seem scary at first, the thought of giving a complete stranger a compliment, but keep in mind how you could become the talk of their day. "You won't believe it. This amazing lady/gentleman came up to me today in Macy's just to let me know how pretty she/he thought my hat was." The simplest comment has the power to make someone’s day. So today, why not try it out, who knows it might just make your day too. LOVE EVERYONE ++SMILE++

Back on subject. :D

So I realize I've got way of subject on my last few posts, getting deep into life and meaning, purpose and politics. Sorry about that, but it's those things, those thoughts are important to me too and I think some of it really needed to be said. Plus on the subject of cancer I've had nothing to say. But today marks the last day of my first round of treatments, and it's supposed to be a good thing, but it doesn't really feel like a good thing. It's like finishing the first round of a boxing match, even if you did well, landed a few, took less, you're tired out. Now you get to rest a little and hope you can finish it off next round. But I don't have that option. I'm tired as hell and I've got a mandatory seven rounds left. This hasn't been very hard on me but it does have me tired. I haven't been sick but my headaches are getting worse. I'm 26 right now and I'll still be doing this when I'm 27. . .it's alot to grasp and it's ALOT to deal with. If I'm this tired right now, after 1 round, what am I gonna look like at round 8?

On top of that I know as crazy as it may sound I have to keep exercising my ass off, and I need to start eating ALOT better. I need energy, obviously, but I need to find it from different, more healthy sources. I want to stay in shape but I'm so tired, it's not easy. I've bought myself a speed rope though for cardio, and eventually I'll be able to keep it up for more than 10 seconds. I'm gonna buy myself one of them cool doorway pull-up thingamagiggers that way I can can keep up on the rest of me too. But truth is, as shallow as it may be, I'm afraid of getting fat. I'm a single guy, I wanna look goood :D but I find myself asking, myself, if I can do both. Can I do all of this, eat right, exercise, deal with the chemo, keep my life on track, keep working on Holt's Home, keep working on my education, all at the same time? Can I do this, because I realize if I don't, what kinda father am I going to be, what kinda husband? Without a college degree, if Holt's Home fails, if I gain alot of weight, working somewhere like McDonald's. What kind of life can I provide for myself, let alone a family? 

And I know some people reading this are thinking "But John, you can't worry about these types of things, not right now." But I can, cause I'm 26 and I should already have my life on track and I know right now I've got nothing to offer a significant other. I'm old-fashioned and I'm not saying and never will say that whoever I end up with should be a stay at home Mom, taking care of the house and taking care of the kids. But if that's what she thinks is best or would prefer then I want it to be an option. But right now I'm not on the path to ever being able to support a family. I can barely support myself and the GOV is paying for that. . .though I guess I'm finally getting some of that damn tax money back. 

But right now, I'm too tired to go back to work, like I did last time, and earn my way. Not right now, and I'm slightly okay with that. Because fact is I hate that hell hole filled with gossip, failed dreams, hypocrisy, ignorance, and bad food. The only thing that place has ever done is filled me with false hopes and temporary fun. I loved working Midnights with some of the greatest people I've ever met. But I wasn't achieving anything there. The place was a drain on my soul, just a letdown on my entire life, and I've seen it chew up and destroy so many other lives. People start working there thinking "Just for now" and it end up, in my case, 6 years later and I'm still thinking "Just for now." I need to make changes but right now I don't know how. 

The odds are stacked HIGH against me and the light at the end of the tunnel is dim. But I've got no choice. I'm backed into a corner and it's do or die, kinda literally. What I do during this next year of my life will have a big effect on the next ten years of my life, I'm sure of it. Each year always does, the decisions we make during the course of a year effect us for a long time. So it looks like I'm just gonna have to do it. It's gonna be FAR from easy, but hey I've always liked a challenge. It worries me sometimes, but then I realize that's just stupid and I'm no idiot. And at times it downright scares me, knowing this might not be the end, there's still a %70 chance of reoccurence in the next 5 years if I make it too remission. This is a fight I might be fighting for the rest of my life, and it's damn sure one that'll be effecting me that long. 

But I'll keep fighting, that good old never give up, never quit, never surrender attitude. I'll keep going, it might take a bit but I'll figure out this eating/exercising thing and I'll be fine. Come January maybe I'll try to get back to school, depending on how I feeling. And who knows maybe I'll find an amazing woman along the way who realizes, this too shall pass and someday I'll be that guy who changes the world. But I won't get my hopes up too high for anything, and I'm damn sure not gonna give up for anything. It's gonna suck, but it's cancer and that comes with the package. So I'll just keep making the best of it and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. Keep LOVEing EVERYONE!!! and ALWAYS ++SMILE++ Cause that's just what I do :D

Why

Why do we hate SO much? We love to spend time figuring out ways and reasons to hate people. When will we start searching and studying reasons to LOVE people. I don't have any words describe how I feel right now after reading a paragraph from "Kramer." But it's some kinda of mixture between confusion, anger, disappointment, and sadness.

For those who don't know the story; a few years ago during a stand up set at The Laugh Factory Michael Richards, or most know him as Kramer from Seinfeld, had a breakdown on stage where he yelled at a black audience member for repeatedly talking during his set. While yelling at the man he called him a N****r over and over again. For this he has apologized many times, much like Paula Deen. Also like Paula, his career was brought to an end because of his outburst.

Just like I'm sure Kanye Wests career would have crumbled had he called Taylor Swift a honky or a Cracka during his "Beyonce should have won" rant a few years back. Because fact is, especially as a celebrity you CANNOT make certain mistakes. Kanye didn't even make any racial claims, this time, yet his career was, once again, almost ended by his outburst.

But now, years later a post popped up on my feed shared by a friend who didn't pay enough attention to what he was sharing. It contained a picture of Michael Richards that asked "Why are only whites racists?" Then went on to say this.

Remember Kramer?

Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs' Seinfeld does make a good point. This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. In it he raised a few interesting points...

Someone finally said it.
But how many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans,
Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans...
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me 'White boy', 'Cracker', 'Honkey', 'Whitey', 'Caveman'...
And that's OK...
But when I call you Nigger, Kike,
Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink...
You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you...
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live in?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET...

Imagine if we had WET
(White Entertainment Television)...
we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day,
you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month,
we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for whites only to 'advance' OUR lives,
we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce,
and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that???

A white woman could not be in the
Miss Black American pageant,
but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...
You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed
Black Colleges in the US ...
Yet if there were 'White colleges',
that would be a racist college.

In the Million Men March,
you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights,
you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange,
and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride,
you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But,
when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud...
But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists???

There is nothing improper
about this Post...
But let's see how many of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.

That's why
we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS
in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD
TO BE WHITE!

It's not a crime YET...

First of all I would like to make it clear that, Michael Richards said none of this. After his outburst he has done nothing but apologize for what he said, never once trying to justify it. The origin of this speech is unknown and has been making round on the internet and in e-mails since LONG before he made his mistake.

With that being said, after reading this I couldn't help but express my opinions on the subject since there is no form of hate I despise more than racism. It is the most ignorant and unfounded form of hate in existence. I don't condone hate in any way shape of form, but I can understand some hatred. Such as Jews hatred for the Nazi's or a rape victims hatred for their attacker. Sometimes I can see why someone would hate another. But to hate a whole group of people just because of the actions of a few, or even worse because they look different than you, is ignorance in it's most deadly form. So here is my response to this ridiculous, uneducated rant of hatred:

Why are "whites" the "only" Racists?

Because, pretty much, the only people who think this speech makes sense are white. . .what happened to being the bigger man, setting an example for others. What this is saying is; wrong or right, if you can do it and get away with it I should be able to as well. . .that's ridiculous. Racism is ridiculous no matter what, but fact is white people are the only race that do it so universally. You might hear "blacks" mad at "whites" but seldom do you hear blacks mad at "whites" Asians, Mexicans, Canadians, the French, Arabs, or other races. As white Americans we have made a terrible name for ourselves as we've segregated and judged just about everyone by color and race since we got to America. From the Natives we slaughtered to claim their lands. To the Mexicans and other Central and South American cultures we have began to judge because they don't live up to our standards. But all this aside since when did "They started it" or "They do it too" become an acceptable excuse to copy an action we know is wrong. DEAR GOD when will we stop trying to justify what is wrong and start DOING what is right. Instead of pointing out the problems of the "ghetto's" why aren't we trying to find new ways to fix them. We need to help each other not condemn each other. There is NO Good, Logical, or Reasonable pro racism argument. We are all human beings no matter color or religion, lets start acting like it.

To this my responded with: I didn't read the article, just really believe in the picture.

As a fellow "white" at times I have also wondered why are "Only whites racist." After thinking about it this is what I came up with: First off, truth is there are only certain people that believe whites are. . .the ignorant. People who don't look at the big picture which is racism is alive in every race, culture, and religion. The problem is that "White" being the most predominant and broadcasted color on earth we have the "highest number of racists" or at least that's how it looks. We also have things like the Holocaust, the KKK, Manifest Destiny, the Inquisition, and slavery.(All things fueled by hatred towards specific cultures, race, religion or color that were conducted, for the most part, by whites) The whole world knows our history and we look bad. It takes digging to find racism and blatant discrimination in other cultures. People don't realize how universal discrimination is, from Chinese vs Japanese, Arabs vs Jews, wars between Indian tribes, and the Africans that sold their brothers and sisters into slavery. But white history is taught every day in school and it is a history soaked in the blood of other cultures. We need to teach all of it too our children though, so they can see that hatred exists everywhere. Not just from whites or towards whites but in all groups. Most of all we need to teach ourselves that NOTHING good has ever come from judging another person. So here's another speech by a "white" man, one I can agree with.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible- jewish, Gentile, black men, white…

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each others’ happiness, not by each others' misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.-Charlie Chaplin The Great Dictator

My point is that YES racism is universal, in every culture you will find racism and it's a sad fact we have to face. But there is no logic behind it because once you get past the looks we're all the same. Take Cancer for instance, it doesn't discriminate at all. Neither does AIDS, Hepatitis, diabetes, or hunger. These all tear through our lives no matter how we look. They kill, disable and disfigure no matter our outside appearance or beliefs. So there exists common ground between everyone to stop hating for no reason but instead start loving for a GREAT reason. For hope, and for the future. Because somewhere out there, there is a person who might hold the key to curing one of these horrible diseases. . .and that person could be white,  black, Asian, or Mexican. Because there are other things, beautiful things, that don't discriminate. Like intelligence and creativity. So lets stop finding superficial reasons to hate each other and use the reasons right in front of us to start working together to fix these problems that affect all of us. We all have AMAZING potential, we are ALL beautiful, and each and every one of us has the potential to change the world into a better place. LOVE EVERYONE and ++SMILE++