Labels

Labels are a terrible thing, they're used to classify judge and separate people into separate categories, which is rather sad. Everything from Goth, Thug, Prep, White, Black, Mexican, Asian, American, European, Rich, and Poor. These terms are all used to separate us from each other, "the Goths can't hang out with Preps in high school" or worse, "The rich shouldn't be seen with the poor." These are all ridiculous idea's based on irrational fears of less popularity and less wealth. But what's worse is now we label ourselves, we get into high school, college, a new job, or a new group. The first decision we are faced with when making a change like this is, how we want others to see us. So we start changing ourselves to be what we think other people will accept, we give up our own style and taste to fit into a predetermined classification. 

I find it so sad that we do this, we all do this, we give up ourselves a piece at a time until we’re someone else, just to fit in and avoid discrimination. We hide from who we really are, instead of standing up for our right to enjoy anything. Because that's, in my opinion, the worst part of it, we give up things we may love, just to fit into a classification made up by someone we don't even know. For instance, what if you're a "thug" you can't fall in love with Bach or Mozart, because someone you've never met decided that they're not cool. Just like a Goth who LOVES death metal would be made fun of for listening to R Kelly or Kelly Clarkson. So what if you like it, listen to it. One of my favorite movie lines is from the movie "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" where Nick says "I don't subscribe to any labels." It's a brilliant idea, he's his own person, he doesn't want to be anything but himself, he doesn't want to limit the music, art, or people he can love because of a silly label.

The Label I dislike the most is the label "Manly" because I get called unmanly quite often for the most ridiculous reasons. What's more ridiculous is that this one word is supposed to describe about half the population of the entire world but to assume that half of the world all fit this description is crazy. Or to think that if you like Kelly Clarkson (I admit I am a fan) that makes you less of a man. I have been told I am not manly because I like Kelly Clarkson, Chick Flicks, dancing, being completely goofy, sometimes crazy, not being aggressive, walking away from fights, and crying from time to time when it's appropriate or needed. These traits apparently make me less of a man. . .in that case, I don't want to be "manly." Which I don't, I want to be ME, The One and Only: John Holt Yo!!! I want to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.

So why limit the things we can enjoy by "Subscribing" to these labels, why not create our own label, called AWESOME, where the only qualification is simply being yourself. If you love something, THAT'S COOL, as long as it's not causing anyone physical or emotional damage, go for it. I won't judge you. Just because you like the Spice Girls, doesn't mean you can't enjoy woodcarving, hunting, or providing for a family. You can be a Man and still be yourself, in fact I think that being true to yourself, is a TRUE sign of manliness. Because a real man doesn't let someone else tell him what or who he can or can't love or enjoy. But somewhere through the years this truth has been lost, and you'd think after slavery and segregation we'd learn that separating ourselves into groups isn't right.

When you decided you want to be in a group, or you label yourself, you give up SO much. I don't want that, I want to experience ALL the world has to offer in my short time on earth. I don't think there's anything wrong with that OR blaring Since You've Been Gone when driving down the highway singing along, sometimes doing goofy but appropriate arm movements, and ignoring the other cars who see this dramatic display of musical perfection and dancing awesomeness. Because it's FUN, so much fun, yeah other people might see me and think I'm crazy, but who cares what other people think, I'll likely never see them again anyway and I’m happy while I’m doing it, I’m having legitimate and childish fun. Something I think we should all enjoy more often, because there is a time for seriousness and a time for goofiness.

Because in the end, the only label I'll accept is "Human" or “AWESOME” because that's what we are. We are all born human beings, and that's the BEAUTIFUL truth of life. We're not black, Asian, American, or goth. We're Human, and there is no reason any one of us should limit the things we can be passionate about because of someone else's opinion of what we should love or dislike. We are all different and the same at the same time. We all have the same parts, but different experiences which define who we are and what we love. We should follow our own path, not follow someone else down theirs. For instance some people are going to hate everything I've said so far, while others will embrace it. That's the beautiful think about this country and this world, we have the freedom to make our own decisions and no one can take that from us. They may limit our choices, but they cannot take away our ability to choose without us choosing to let them.

So break free from your label, give something new a chance. Try a new food, movie, or genre. Who knows, it might change your life, you might find a new passion, you might even fall in love. Be you and no one else, find yourself and embrace that person. I promise you will find people that love that person, and you'll find people who share your opinions not just your style. They'll love you for who YOU ARE, not just your taste in music or movies. The most beautiful thing you can be is you, and I promise YOU are beautiful. So find yourself, embrace yourself, and BE yourself. Because no one can be more you than yourself.

Positive vs Negative attention

One thing I have realized I will never understand is why people prefer negatively drawn attention over positively drawn. For instance I would rather be recognized for holding an elevator for someone else rather than get yelled at because I let it shut when someone was obviously in need of it as well. I'd also prefer to be recognized for being healthy and fit in comparison to gaining sympathy, or worse, pity over a disease that could kill me. But in today's world there are tons of people who would prefer to watch a soap opera, Maury, and the guy that used to be Jerry Springer's bodyguard. People love the attention they get for all the negative things in their life. I couldn't imagine choosing to have my child's DNA test results read on national T.V. rather than doing it in private where no one will be embarrassed at the fact that neither "parent" knows who the father is. All because both of the parents were too promiscuous to have only one partner at a time.

It's tragic that television has gone this way, we love watching horrible drama. I'm guilty of this as well, I'll watch hours of Law and Order S.V.U. on T.V. during the day. Episode after episode of negative horrible drama, yeah it's nice when the bad guy gets it in the end. But he doesn't always, and when he does is it really worth 45 minutes of horrifying, graphic, negative drama for 30 seconds of good feeling when they catch the guy and send him to jail? I don't think it is anymore, I mean I don't really gain anything from that. But it's hard to find positive shows on T.V. anymore. Everything's either reality competitions where they tell 9 people they're not good enough and one GOOD JOB. Or worse they pin people against each other and make them fight, stab friends in the back, and teach the world you can't trust anyone because they're all greedy and in it for themselves. 

But it hasn't always been this way, when I was growing up we had T.V. shows like Boy Meets World, 7th Heaven, Touched by an Angel, Highway to Heaven, and Gilmore Girls. Shows that encouraged people to believe in themselves, chase their dreams, settle for nothing less than the best, embrace and take pleasure in your family, and that as long as you keep your head up but never GIVE up, you'll succeed. Also if you do fail it's not the end of the world, it's a lesson learned, and a chance to do better next time. But these shows aren't on anymore, instead for kids we have Pretty Little Liars, and adults have Scandal. 

Then there's Reality T.V. which I have troubles finding anything good to say about. Shows that promote more drama or just poor behavior like Honey Booboo. Which I've luckily never watched, but it seems like it promotes obesity, vanity, and trashy behavior. Then you have these duck guys, another show I've never watched. Though my understanding is they all looked like normal clean cut business men until they got this show. Then they decided being “redneck” like, sounding uneducated and looking dirty would get more viewers than just being normal business men who like to have fun. Honestly I think I would prefer to watch a bunch of clean cut guys do what they do rather than a bunch of guys who fit the part. But I haven't given up hope, although I make it seem like there isn't any, there are good shows out there. Like Undercover Boss, although let’s face it, our favorite episodes are when things are so bad the Boss has to reveal himself and set everyone straight. 

But there are good shows. There are comedies like The Crazy Ones and The Michael J. Fox show. These shows deal with funny, but semi practical family settings and they keep everything together well. It's not constant arguing . . . well except between children at times, but let’s face it THAT'S reality. The shows also teach important life lessons while being funny and entertaining. They re-enforce positive attitudes, doing the right thing, being honest and helping each other. 

But my whole point is, it's been proven time and time again that you can do good, even GREAT, positive things, help other people, and still be recognized and popular. In fact chances are you'll be more popular by doing positive than negative. Just look at Martin Luther King Jr. in comparison to Malcolm X. They both fought the same battle, and suffered the same fate. Yet one has a day named after him and is recognized in schools all over the world for his non-violent opposition to segregation and support for civil rights. The other I didn't even know existed until Jr. High. Both great men, both were fighting the same battle, just in different ways. But the one we really remember is the one who spoke of peaceful protest, equality, and following your DREAMS. Nobel dreams of peace and equality for ALL mankind, for everyone to get along together. 

Positivity IS embraced all around the world, people LOVE a HAPPY ending. So enjoy the appreciation you get for holding a door open for a stranger, and if the first one doesn't show it, wait till one does. I promise it's worth it, and it won’t take much time. Pay attention to your surroundings and appreciate the beauty. Look for smiles, kisses and happiness, you'll find it. Make people smile, laugh at your flaws and embrace your mistakes. I promise, if you are upset, these things will make you happy, they will make you smile, especially when you make someone else smile. There's no warmer feeling than giving someone else the gift of happiness, no matter how temporary. So today, go out and just make 1 person, a stranger smile. Walk up to someone and tell them you like their dress, shoes, or coat, whatever. If they don't appreciate it, so what, you'll likely never see them again, and you can laugh about it later with friend . . . but keep trying till you make someone smile. Because then I promise, if they see you again, they'll remember, you might be the talk of their day, and you'll feel great. Hey you might even make a new friend. So be positive, help people, be nice, and live HAPPY.

So This is Christmas :D

Today is a day that for me is really bittersweet. I love it because I get to spend it with probably the coolest most amazing family I know. But I don't get to spend it with my real family. I haven't spent it with them in almost a decade, and sometimes it makes me wonder if they're really my family anymore. This year’s been very 50/50 for me, which is kind of funny because I came out of remission and well that's the name of the movie. But a lot has happened, cancer came back, another surgery, so far I'm 6 months into Chemo and only half way finished. I met an amazing girl and spent some of the biggest moments of my life with her, but things didn’t work out. I had to quit working because this time around the chemo is too much, and that's VERY hard to swallow. I haven't been able to continue my studies and Holt's Home has been put on hold, my life kind of came crashing down this year. It started I was in my own place, living well, about to get back into school, 1 more semester and I had my degree. Then the tumor regrew, I'm back living with my Mom, collecting disability and at times bed ridden, I was where I promised myself I would never end up. Living the nightmare that is cancer all over again.

Looking at the "BIG" events, last year sucked, and it kind of did. But if you look at the MOMENTS, it was amazing. I've met some AMAZING people, like Cara and Billy who run a foundation called HOPE For Young Adults With Cancer, and they never stop providing that HOPE. They're not even survivors, just a group of people who've been affected by the tragedy and yet they've given me something I've searched for, for years. A group of survivors, my age, that get together every couple months and LAUGH IN THE FACE OF CANCER, while we exchange war stories of chemo, radiation, surgeries, and experimental therapy. It's amazing, and on top of that they introduced me too Ashley Swip who runs a foundation called 3 Little Birds 4 Life, and they grant wishes for young adults like me. Ashley said I reminded her of her AMAZING brother who she lost to cancer, an honor I can’t begin to express, and granted my wish by giving me the most AMAZING day of my life and letting me share it with friends. They got the help of another foundation, I am Genie, and together they gave me a day I'll never forget. I flew a plane, I went to a Blues Play-off game, I stayed in an AMAZING hotel for the night, ate at an AMAZING restaurant, and got tickets to a Cardinals Game. On Top of all that I got to do it with two of the MOST amazing people I know, Chris and Michelle. They flew them in from Florida just so I could show them how much I appreciated EVERYTHING they did for me at the time of my diagnoses. It was a DREAM COME TRUE. I've met A LOT of amazing people this year, made amazing new friends, and had a pretty good time doing it.

Yes my year has sucked, constantly, severely, but I still stay positive. Because for one, I know people who have it worse, like a mom who's spending Christmas Eve sleeping in her car with her kids, like other homeless people who are fighting their own battles. People in prison, waiting to get out so they can show the world they've changed, but for now they don't get a holiday, just a nicer plate of food. Mother and fathers who are spending Christmas in the hospital with their sons or daughters, daughters and sons spending their first Christmas without their mother or father. There are soldiers away risking their life, while their families open presents, wishing they were there. There are people who feel unloved and uncared for spending Christmas alone and bitter. There are a million scenarios that play out worse than mine. I remember that and I'm thankful, I have a family, I'm not alone. I'm indoors and I'm warm. I'm sick but I'm not dying, I'm home and not in the hospital. I don't have a lot, but I have a little and right now that's all I need.

We all fight battles, every day, every choice is a battle. But we need to remember it could be worse, it could always be worse. We're alive, and that means we have a chance, we need to find the brilliant and beautiful things in our lives and embrace them for what they are. We need to embrace the future and the things it might bring, yes some will be bad like cancer, family moving away, and changes you didn't plan. But you'll also meet new friends, maybe new family, witness new things, beauty not yet seen by our eyes. You can make something of your life, one moment at a time. We just have to stay positive and remember that as cliché as it may sound, it's true. It could be worse, it could be raining. So if you have trouble seeking out the positive in your life, look at the negative in other people’s lives. Don't pity them but remember, at least that's not you, everyone is fighting a battle. A wise man one said "You can't treat every situation as life or death. . .or you'll die a lot of times"-Van Wilder. So take a look at your life and remember chances are about 6 billion to 1 that someone out there has it worse than you and those are pretty good chances. 

So this is Christmas, and things are far from perfect today. Maybe family is fighting, you're spending the day alone, or you couldn't get that one good gift. There are a million things that could be wrong, but there's one thing that's right. You're ALIVE and that's a pretty good way to start the day, just work your hardest to make the rest of the day that way. Just put on that smile, ignore the drama and the negativity, give Scrooge a BIG HUG, stand in AWE of your life, and all the amazing possibilities. Enjoy the food, the company, and ALL the presents. Cause today is beautiful, if you make it that way. LOVE EVERYONE, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Expectations

I think sometimes the biggest source of our sadness is disappointment from setting our expectations too high. From expecting to be cured, to expecting to have a great night, we have a tendency to expect too much from ourselves and the people around us and are not prepared to be let down. But fact is there are SO many things in this world that are completely out of our control, and we should realize this before expecting anything. Or more importantly before we let ourselves become upset when things don't go as planned. Because that is a guarantee in life, things will not always go as planned, that extra hard chemo/radiation session you did might not work, your friends might have to bail on your birthday, or your camping trip might get rained out. These things happen, they are often out of anyone’s control, and they should always be expected. Not as a first expectation, because it would be rather depressing to always expect the worst. But they should always be in the back of your head, Hope for the Best, but Be Prepared for the Worst in all aspects of life. 

It's never fun when your friends or family fail to live up to your expectations, but ask yourself, is it possible that you are expecting too much? Take for instance a friend of mine from high school, just after being diagnosed with cancer she found me on Facebook, added me as a friend, and sent me a message asking me if I remembered her and how I was doing. I told her "Of course I remember you, and I'm doing well, but not perfect. I actually just found out I have brain cancer, it's not a big deal but it's a LOT. I'm not sure how to react yet. lol" In the 4 years since I haven't received a response and after receiving the message I'm rather sure she deleted and blocked me. Either that or she just gave up on and deleted Facebook, but I think the first is more likely. When she didn't respond, it hurt, more than I could have ever expected. How could the fact that I have cancer warrant such behavior? So I gave it some thought. I put myself in her shoes and tried to think of a reason, a reasonable reason, for such a harsh reaction. 

This is what I came up with, for one; we hadn't spoken in over 5 years, so this wasn't a great loss if I didn't take it personal. Two; I had NO idea what she could be going through at the time, what if she had just lost her father or mother too cancer? What if she just didn't want to take the chance of going through such grief again? What if she just decided she wasn't strong enough or didn't know how to reply to that kind of news? So she didn't, she ran knowing it was no big loss to me and who knows maybe it was a bigger loss to her. I thought for a long time about it and decided the best thing for the both of us was to give her the benefit of the doubt. In High School she had always been a GREAT girl, good grades, good friends, MUCH better than the criminal I was at the time. So why would I assume she was any less amazing now and why should I expect anything from someone I hadn't seen or spoken too in so long. So I let it rest at that and I realized something amazing, it didn't hurt anymore, because I had given it a reason, it wasn't my fault and I had no reason to blame her. An unnecessary weight had been lifted and I felt and still feel much better about it. Some of my friends, God bless them, can't handle that story. "There's no excuse for it, what a horrible person." But to this I always respond, I am not hurt, it's okay, whatever the excuse, even if there isn't one, what does it matter. This way neither of us are hurt, there was no substantial damage done, and I learned a hard lesson.

We have too many expectations, and make too many assumptions about the people in our lives and doing this results in a LOT of unnecessary pain and stress. Next time a friend bails on you, stands you up or doesn't answer your call or text. Give them the benefit of the doubt, wait it out, and put yourself in their shoes. Try to come up with a reason that you would have made that choice. You might find that there are many reasons for an action, and then later you might find out that the action was justified. Because if you automatically assume the worst of someone, that person probably wasn't really your friend and quite frankly your night, possibly your life would be much better without them. If they are truly your friend then you should have no problems making excuses for their minor occasional flaws. If you do find that difficult you should probably just write them off, it sounds harsh but if they really care, they will fight to stay in your life. If they don't then you have just freed up more time to spend with your awesome friends, or make new friends which could prove to be a much more fulfilling task than whatever was originally planned. 

So lower your expectations, or maybe even get rid of them completely and prepare yourself for a fight. Because the best things in life are unexpected and usually earned. You'll make more friends, because the people you meet won't feel so pressured, and you'll be constantly surprised when your friends do amazing things for you. Which they will, because they're friends, but also remember, they don't have to, because they're only friends. They have their own lives and their own struggles, and sometimes it's not easy to be amazing. Even Superman had Kryptonite, none of us are perfect, though we may try so hard to be. Forgive those you care about, be understanding that sometimes things go wrong, and that not everyone deserves a place in your life. Expect nothing, LOVE EVERYONE, and enjoy the ride. Because you never know how short, or long, it might be.

Superman

The first time I went through treatment I was "superman." Everyone was amazed from the point of diagnoses on. I took the diagnoses like a little more than nothing, but definitely not as something. I did my surgeries and was back at work as soon as the staples were out. I didn't slow down for anyone or anything. Even during treatment I'd go to radiation in my uniform so I could go straight to work after. I remember going to work on treatment days, running to the bathroom to throw up and coming right back out and handing out the next order. (After washing up of course) “No” wasn't an option, only “go.” Keep your head up and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. It's ONLY cancer, just chemo, and what's radiation? Nothing affected me and nothing was going to make me a "cancer" patient. It was hard at times yes but it was a high point in my life. I was able to show everyone who cared about me that they had NOTHING to worry about. This is a breeze, nothing more, in a couple of weeks I'll be on my way and on with my life. 

And I was until I came out of remission and have to do this WHOLE thing again minus one surgery and radiation. So I thought this time around will be cake, tumors back but it's slower growing so let’s put it down for the count. Easy said, easy done. But instead it's turning out to be easier said, than done. This is taking a REAL toll on me and for the first time I feel like an actual cancer patient I guess. I'm reminded constantly that I'm lucky enough not to look sick, but this time I'm really feeling it. I'm tired, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and I'm just so exhausted it's insane. It's been getting worse every time too, and I'm not quite yet half through. So I'm left to ponder ways to keep myself going. What do I do if I keep NOT recovering between rounds?

So far this is what I've come up with. One; even heroes have the right to bleed, so I'm going to use that and keep going. I'm realizing that I can have my down days. 2; Thinking about ways to handle future problems and worrying about them are two different things. I can make plans for how to handle future treatments and not necessarily "worry" about them. 3; Talk to people, they are my greatest inspiration and yet I keep them in the dark to keep them from worrying. 4; I'm John Holt YO!!! I need to cowboy up and push myself more. Cause what's the worst that will happen? More naps, more exhaustion and more days in bed which isn't too bad. So I've just got to get up and do it, just like I did last time.

I've got a little over a week left and then I'm halfway there and quite frankly I'm living on much more than a prayer. I'm living on me, The One and Only: John Holt YO!!! Ha HA and that seems to be a lot. So from here on I'm going to embrace my down times, share them with people and let my friends lift my spirits. Because I'm also realizing that I can show that I'm weak at times and have problems without throwing a pity party and being Negative about it. I'm a human being and "Superman" is just a name that was given by some loving friends who cared about me. So I can be Superman sometimes but I'm John Holt first and foremost. 

So as I've said, things get hard at times, and they're almost never easy. But just because they're not easy doesn't mean they've got to be hard. So from here on out, one day at a time, I'll Just Keep Swimming, or rather sleeping, through this. Then in 25 weeks or so, when I'm one week away from being finished and back in remission. I'll have plenty of strength to celebrate this horrible battle that is cancer. It's making me stronger and that's never easy, but like I said, that doesn't mean it's got to be hard.