It's been a while since my last post
because I've been in kind of a funk. Things have been VERY slow in my life,
just moving between treatment cycles dealing with side effects and new doctors.
It's my favorite part of cancer. Well no that's a lie, all the friends, love,
and care that I receive is my favorite part. For the most part this hasn't been
a bad experience for me at any point. I've flown through everything, 3
surgeries, chemo, radiation, and remission. Even this time, on the harder
chemo, it's been pretty simple for me to keep going.
But that's because, for me, the
hardest part of cancer isn't treatment, surgeries, or side effects. For those
of us who are lucky enough to survive, or at least for me, the hardest part of cancer
is watching SO MANY good friends, fellow fighters and survivors, lose the
battle. There are no words for the realization it bring about. It's something
that, no matter who you are or how strong you might be, comes as a rude
awakening from the blissful happiness that is living with cancer. The
realization that not everyone wins, someday this fight might get the best of
me. Someday cancer might kill me.
It's what cancer does it kills you,
it may not be guaranteed, but it's going to try. I'm LIVING with a cancer that
has a 70% chance of reoccurring. So there's a chance that I'll be fighting this
on and off for the rest of my life. That's a hard fact of cancer and when I see
close friends lose their fight, it's a hard reminder of the possibilities.
But it's also another kind of
awakening. It reminds me that I don't have time to sit around and ponder the
possibilities of my mortality. I HAVE A FIGHT TO WIN!!! And I have another soul
to honor by fighting my hardest day in and day out, never giving up or
considering surrender. Because that's they want us to do. I know this because I
have cancer and EVERY person who has cancer, whether terminal or not, wants
ANYONE who has cancer to win their fight. We want to see people WIN their
battle, we love seeing posts containing the words I'm IN REMISSION!!! Because
not only does it prove to us that it CAN HAPPEN. It also means that someone is
no longer suffering; they're done with the treatments and off to the 5 year
point.
So for all Those who have passed
before me I promise: I'll fight every day, I'll smile and stay positive, I'll
LOVE LIKE LOLA and I'll never give up. Because I know that's what they would
want. So I mourn the loss of the many souls who went to soon, but I also
acknowledge that for every fighter who loses their battle, those of us still
fighting gain another Angel. I've lost count of the angels I know by name, but
the memories I shared with them will always be with me. One step at a time I'll
fight this fight.
Tired, worn out, in pain, sick, or
just exhausted. I'll fight, for those we've met, those we've lost and those who
will someday hear those words "You have Cancer." I'll set the
example, that even if cancer ends your life, it doesn't have to ruin it. You
can keep on LIVIN, SMILIN, LOVIN, AND LAUGHIN till the end of time. Whether 30
or 130 it's up to us to keep positive, find motivation and NEVER admit defeat.
Because we're cancer SURVIVORS whether for a week, day, or even a minute, we've
survived something horrible, scary and not much fun.
So Here I am, 32 weeks of treatment
left and 8 weeks away from being halfway through treatment and I'm smiling.
Because what else am I to do, cry? Sometimes, yes, and get angry at times too,
but for the most part I prefer to stay positive and happy. Because I prefer being
happy, and if I die tomorrow I'd much rather die happy, than angry or just
scared.
