Maybe it's cancer!?!

I find this thought in my mind all the time ever since the diagnoses and I sometimes wonder if it's just me or if everyone who's had cancer has this worry. . .or at least everyone my age. It's crazy, when I had my bladder problems, first thought was bladder cancer. . .then I researched it on the internet and found out it probably was. I mean everything I read linked cigarette's to bladder cancer, I smoked for a decade, then all the symptoms matched up. It is also linked to regular U.T.I.'s, I definitely had that problem, nothing but proof I now had bladder cancer, I was convinced and prepared. . .but then it wasn't bladder cancer. Who’da thought?

But wait, I've been getting a weird pressure pain on the top of my spine, right under that little bump in the back of the head. Not gonna research this one though cause obviously the internet is gonna falsely lead me like it did with that bladder catastrophe. But this is obviously a tumor, just like before, it's not to far of a stretch to think maybe I had two brain tumors and they only found one. Or maybe it’s spread, cancer does that too, doesn’t it? Now this other ones grown to a size big enough to start affecting me, I think I can kinda feel it too. But then I go to the hospital and they run a scan to check for Strokes. . .there's no sign of tumors. I even mention my thoughts and wonder if maybe they just missed it, but they assure me they didn't. 

Then there's this weird bump on my arm that won't go away, maybe its skin cancer. I mean it doesn't seem to get bigger, but it sure looks like it is. I mean I saw the show "The Big C" she had skin cancer, and it looked like this, but bigger, and I mean in a show like that they'd HAVE to display it correctly right? They'd get complaints I would think. But once again the doctors assure me it's nothing to worry about, just looks like a scar. Don't worry unless it gets bigger.

It seems like since the diagnoses I can't get the thought out of my head that I might get cancer again. I don't dislike this though. I'd much rather be wrong or prepared than unprepared like I was last time. I mean last time the only signs I had were Deja Vu sensations. . .which turned out to be seizure activity. But I went to the ER once before and they acted as if it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't until I had a full on seizure that they ran a CAT scan and found out I had a golf ball in my head that shouldn't be there. I'd prefer that not happen again. 

I'd prefer to catch it like I did this time, before it came back full force. But it is abit annoying, knowing that I'm abit paranoid about it. Wondering if I'll have these worries now for the rest of my life. I'll tell you what this tumor coming back hasn't helped the matter either. 

Annoying aspect aside though, this isn't all that horrible. I'm kinda happy that I now value my life more. At least enough that when a problem comes up, I no longer wait on it. I get checked out as soon as I can, just to be sure and to get the problem, whatever it is, taken care of. Because I've realized it's not just me anymore. I'm not alone and I need to make sure I'm okay, because there are people out there who care about me. Last time I waited thinking one I was invincible (which I've proven I might just be :) But to be serious I didn't want to know what was wrong, I didn't think it was anything to worry about but I was 21 if it was I didn't want to face the fact I might not see 25. 

Now I think a little differently. I've realized that these are things we have to face, and the earlier we start dealing with them the easier they are to deal with. But not just that, also we don't have to deal with them alone. Some people are lucky like myself and have WONDERFUL friends and family to help them deal. Others sadly don't but even for those people there are groups like Hope for Young Adults With Cancer, Stupid Cancer, Immermans Angels, Tamika and Friends, mAss Kickers, and dozens of others for everything from Cancer to AIDS to Abuse and everything in between. We HAVE to face each trial head on or we're guaranteed to fail. We can't run from our problems because they'll catch up to us. Trust me. . .We HAVE to face them but we don’t have to face them alone

More than this though we have to face them for others, stay strong not just for ourselves but also for our family and friends who are sharing the weight with us. When we suffer we don't suffer alone, the people who care most about us suffer with us. When we are afraid they share our fear as well. We also don't have to suffer in silence, sometimes it takes a truly strong individual to admit he can't do this on his own as much as he'd like to. Or that they are afraid, we all fear things from time to time, I'm willing to bet everyone in the world gets the heebie-jeebies when walking down a dark empty street. Because deep down we ALL know we are not invincible. . .or at least we have our doubts.

But I don't think this is a bad thing, as annoying as it may be I don't hate this paranoia instilled on me by cancer. Not only has it matured me to realizing I might someday die, but it has also made me appreciate life SO much more. Now I see people complaining so wholeheartedly about things like their spouses, or their friends, or other things they have control over and it drives me crazy. How can you complain about something that's so easily fixed, like a friend who is "using you" or a spouse who repeatedly disappointing you? These are problems that are technically easily fixed. Get rid of the person, or thing that is causing the problem. Just like a tumor remove them from your life. It may hurt for a while, you might miss them, but just remind yourself why you removed them. I'll tell you what I never miss my tumor, I'm happy he's gone, lil bastard. So find the tumors in your life and remove them, be it a job, a spouse, a friend or even family. If you can't make it work then remove it. Because for a guy living with cancer, seeing people waste their precious time on such trivial matters drives me insane.

We seem to almost want to make everything more difficult than it is, but we don't realize while we suffer our friends suffer as well. Whether it's living with cancer or an abusive boyfriend the people that care about us feel it too. When I went into surgery I recently found out a certain Angel in my life broke down from fear for me, someone I would have never expected too. But they did, they cared so much about my life that it affected them. It's no different than when you contact a friend because your boyfriends hit you, they fear for you. They hurt emotionally and want to help you. If you go back, it affects them again, because they do not want to see you hurt again, they fear for you. Our friends and family SHOULD and most likely DO care deeply for us, and we should respect that. 

So I've realized a little paranoia isn't a bad thing. Getting checked regularly isn't a bad thing, and being ABSOLUTELY sure the doctors got everything right isn't just good for me, it's good for EVERYONE who cares about me too. I stay healthy and positive not just for myself but because I don't want my friends and family to worry about me. Some people think it's a big weight and one I shouldn't put on myself, but it's one worth caring and that I'm able to carry. Because my friends carry me when I need it, there's no reason they should have to carry me when I don't. 

We all have our own problems, and whether we like it or not our problems affect those who know about them. Our friends automatically want to help, but they have problems of their own also. So while we can we should keep our problems to ourselves, learn to deal with them until we can no longer carry them alone. Then when we go to our friends we should listen to their advice, we owe it to them to at least give it a try. They care about us and we should care about and respect them in return them. I hope this has all made sense. ++SMILE++ LOVE EVERYONE!!!

Sometimes you get tired.

I'm incredibly tired today, haven't started chemo either, just took four dogs to the Vet simultaneously. But that's not why I'm tired, I'm tired because I miss my ex-girlfriend, because I'm fighting the same fight I fought 4 years ago, because no one gets it, because the world drives me insane, and because tired is the CLOSEST thing to an emotion I can display. I don't know why but ever since the surgery I've just felt empty, I have an anger in me and there are time where I feel I might get emotional but it doesn't happen.

Not even real Happy, I haven't been REALLY happy since since I broke up with my now EX. But even with her things weren't perfect, she deserved SO much more than I was able to give her. She did alot for me and yet I can honestly say I had no REAL feelings for her. But I should have, she was amazing, caring, BEAUTIFUL, smart, a hard worker, and on the path to living a meaningful life. But for some reason when we broke up I felt nothing. . .didn't really care. I mean YES I miss her, it's hard to not miss someone you talked all day to and spent so much time with. But before, believe me I would have fallen in love with her like I wanted to. But as much as I wanted to I couldn't. . .I don't think I can fall in love with ANYONE right now.

I feel SO emotionless, this is going to sound silly, and please laugh because I would much prefer this stay upbeat than a dismal pity party for my emotions. I used to cry ALOT, if you don't believe me ask my my "roommate". But I didn't cry at sad points I cried tears of joy at the happy moments. Take movies for instance, main Character dies, I might shed a tribute tear, but that's all. The you get movies like Pay it Forward, constant tear fest for me. I cry every time someone pay's it forward, when he explains the idea in the beginning, and when he gives his positive speech in the end. It's kinda pathetic maybe, but my mom taught me YEARS ago that tears hold the hormone to that causes stress. SO when you cry you become less stressed out and MUCH more calm. So that's what I did when I got stressed I cried. . .worked well so far.

But now I seem unable to shed even a single tear and I'm under more stress than I have ever been under before. I have cancer, I still need to finish school, I need to do SOMETHING with Holt's Home, I need to find a new job, I need to get a car, and VARIOUS other more normal things. It's enough to drive some one CRAZY. . .HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAH Ha Ha ha. See what I mean.

But no I'm not going crazy I'm hanging in there like Batman(Get it? Cause Bat's hang) I'm just going with the flow focusing on the positive, of which there's ALOT, and preparing for the next step. BUT I also worry, because I just down my emotions JUST ABIT last time and it cause break downs every so often. I would cry and pray and feel bad for myself, the usual "Why me, why now?" sort of thing I'm sure ALL young adults do at times after being diagnosed with cancer. But I keep waiting for it to happen and it doesn't, it's kinda scary. I wonder if or when it does happen if it'll be worse than before, if I'll be by myself when it happens. Maybe I'll be in a crowded elevator and scare the CRAP out of everyone when I look up, throw my hands up and yell "WHY ME GOD WHY NOW AND WHY AGAIN?" Something the old me would find HILARIOUS but right now I'm not sure I even know what funny or happy mean. I just feel emotionless and EMPTY and that worries me.

But for now I just have to wait, work on it, do my best to stay happy and not get stressed out. I mean I've got some pretty awesome people in my life and I'm sure they're gonna be there fore me every step of the way. But I have to prepare for the chance they're not. . .I guess we all have to learn to depend only on ourselves if we want to survive in the world. It's good to draw strength from others and it's good to have a shoulder to lean on, but it's not good to rely on others or become dependent on them, cause they might not always be there to hold you up. So I'm gonna keep looking up and walking this road, resting on a shoulder every once in a while. You should too ++SMILE++ LOVE EVERYONE

Fun with Cancer day 106

I was going to write a rant about religion tonight but I decided that's not what I want to do. I'm a Christian, I'll put that out there but that's all. We hear rants about religion all the time. Lets talk about a much more interesting and upbeat subject instead, Cancer.

Lets look at all the positive things cancer has done for me, things like giving me this awesome scar, an excuse for forgetting anything, got me outta traffic tickets, and it's. . .oh shoot I forgot what else I was gonna say. But seriously had I not gotten cancer there are many GREAT things that would not have happened. For instance, I woundn't have been to New York City twice, and Las Vegas once, driven across the country and seen amazing things. I wouldn't have met some AMAZING people like Heather Swift, Cara and Billy Paymaster, Johnny Immerman, Tamika Felder, Matthew Zachary, Kenny Kane, Dawn Scott and SO MANY other amazing people I am blessed to now call my friends. These people inspire me on a day to day basis, all of them either having FOUGHT or are FIGHTING cancer now, or have been effected by cancer in another way. Also I wouldn't have realized how amazing some of my friends are, like Eric Manta, Chris Pusczak, Michelle Nephew and their families. When I was diagnosed they were my MAIN support structure, they never let me lay around the house, they were constantly taking me places, they helped me stay positive at all times and remember that I'm way BIGGER than cancer and there's no chance I'm loosing this battle. Thanks to them I'll never forget that.

Then there's the Ridings family, this crazy bunch of amazing people took me in and made me one of them. . .I mean it wasn't hard though, I'm already crazy and amazing so that took care of two of the main criteria. But seriously I'll never forget Sherry, who I am now SO honored to call Mom, telling me "Well you're gonna need the love and care of a Mom while you go through this!!!" Like it was an order and I had no choice in the matter. So I did, I moved in with her and her family and let her bark orders at me and treat me like her child, because like I said, I'm crazy. That and she is one of the STRONGEST, most LOVING, CARING people on this planet. Even before I moved in to her house she was VERY close to me. We connected at work because of a mutual respect we shared for other, we both cared about people, and that's hard to find where we worked.

So with I gained yet another FAMILY thinks to cancer. Rachel has become not just one of it not my BEST friend, I have found she also understand my motivations and shares many of my views and opinions of the world. Lucas has become VERY MUCH my little brother, when I was his age my I had my brother in law Chuck to help me, and I enjoy being able to do the same for Luke. Megan is just plain AWESOME, she no longer lives here because she has a family of her own, but when she see's me she ALWAYS manages to remind me how much she cares.

All these people are MORE than amazing, and they're just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the connections I've made thanks to cancer. Yes cancer is difficult, it has set my life back twice now, it's scary and it sucks. But it has also had it's benefits in my life. I believe that if I can find SO MUCH positive in a cancer diagnoses I can find positive in ANYTHING now. I think we all can in every struggle we face, more than just becoming a stronger person, there are other things. Maybe on the surface, maybe buried deep. For instance besides the obvious such as traveling and new friendships. There are other things, things that I'm only just now thinking about and realizing. For instance I've once again found my passion for helping others, something I always loved to do but never thought to pursue a career in. Not everything is easy too see but it's there, something positive is ALWAYS there somewhere, you just gotta look for it.

So next time you're struggling and wondering how you're going to make it through something remember too look for ANYTHING positive that can come from this. It may take time and it WILL take determination but you can find it. So FIND THE POSITIVE, focus on it, and remember it. Because it will get your through the struggle and on to better times.

I find out on Monday what the plan for treatment is. I can't wait, but for now I'm enjoying sitting around, surrounded by a GREAT family, becoming a better cook, listening to good music, and watching good movies. I ain't got no worries cause I ain't in no hurry, just living life one day at a time. Staying positive ++SMILING++ and LOVING EVERYONE!!!

People come and people go Day 104

It's never easy watching anyone leave your life, because if they were there HOPEFULLY you have at least some fond memories with them. It sucks, things change and that's just the way of life. We can either sit around and wallow in our own misery or we can get up and pay tribute to that person by living our lives even better than before. Either make them jealous and regret leaving or MAKE THEM PROUD.

This works in either situation by the way, whether talking about someone who just past away, an old friend who you've grown apart from, or a girlfriend who you've broken up with. Life continues whether you like it or not and you just gotta keep going with it. If you don't you end up miserable.

You have to consider what's best for you and also what they would have wanted when they were there, which should be WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU. Which means if they were what's best for you, you fight for it. If not or if having them back isn't an option you just gotta keep moving. Surround yourself with friends and family, people who care about you and want to see you HAPPY.

The people you surround yourself with should want to be in your life, should want to share moments and memories with you. Too many of us surround ourselves instead with people who want to shape and mold our experiences to their own liking. They want us to live our lives the way they want us too and care little about our own motivations and passions. They want us to change who we are to fit their picture perfect world instead of letting us change the world to fit our standards.

Now I'm sorry if I sound like a conspiracy theorist but I look at the world today and it drives me crazy. The shows on now adays and the music are all so negative and ALMOST nothing seems to talk about hope, LOVE, or general morals. Like treating others as you want to be treated.

When I was growing up one of my favorite shows was: Boy Meets World, a show about a kid my age who was taught to do the right thing, follow his heart, work hard for his future, trust in his friends and NEVER give up on LOVE. It featured a good family that was ALWAYS there to offer the advice or laughs that were needed to anyone who walked through their door whether well known or complete stranger. They lived next to a WISE old man who was ALWAYS willing to offer good advise to his neighbors no matter how RIDICULOUS the problem was. It was never too funny and never too serious. This show taught me to treat women with respect, you can never be too "cheesy", and too listen to my Elders. (They've lived MUCH longer than myself and their advise might save me from repeating their experiences.) It taught me ALOT of good lessons.

Also there were shows like Home Improvement, in  which Tim, in just about every show, dug himself into a DEEP whole with Jill. But at by the end of the show he ALWAYS realized his wrong and did everything he could to make it up to her. Now adays we have shows that are funny. . .and that's just about it. Which is good in a way, we all need to laugh more. . .but I think we also need that old example. Shows like 7th Heaven, Touched by an Angel, and Roseanne which all share positive messages are replaced by reality TV which says you have to be the best cause if you ain't first your last.

I mean we need to focus on our own lives more and the lives of the contestants on The Bachelor, American Idol, and Survivor alot less. I don't mean stop watching the shows because although I'm not a fan I understand why people are. It's interesting watching people no different than yourself doing things, trying to achieve greatness and living their lives. But remember these people are NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU so why not get out there and achieve your own greatness? What we need to Stop doing is following these celebrities, cause it may seem crazy but they're just like you too. They just have money and a well known face. Yet for some reason we're up their butts like they're trying to cure cancer or running our nation. We know more about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie than we do the people we elect into office. We know what they ate, we have multiple shows and even channels dedicated to them. Sure we have a channel dedicated to Congress too. . .BUT no one watches C-Span. We prefer watching crazy out of control kids on MTV and obnoxious rich people on E! to watching what's going on in our country, the things that actually effect our lives.

Now I admit our GOV is INCREDIBLY boring but they make decisions that affect our lives. . .shouldn't we care more about that than what Kim and Kanye are naming their kid? I think so, yet then again most people don't vote so. . .

But I'm sorry I've gotten so TERRIBLY off track here, my point is we all lose people, and sometimes there is NOTHING we can do to change that. I just broke up with my girlfriend, the woman who was there with me while my wishes were granted by two organizations. Who sat with me for two days in the hospital after they removed the tumor. Who ALL my friends liked and I might have fallen in love with. I didn't want to break up with her, but I put alot of stress on her already stressful life. She was attacked at work for dating me and might catch crap for breaking up with me. Her friends and family thought the 2 days a week we spent together after she got out of school meant I was too attached and that was a problem. And I pushed to hard, telling her I thought she is an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, and funny woman. She was an Angel in my opinion, quite possibly sent to keep me company through life, though apparently just for a moment. I'll miss being with her, but I'll cherish the memories we made together.

My point is we don't have(and shouldn't want) total control over the people who come and go from our lives, we barely have control over the ones who stay. All we can do is cherish the time we spend with people and make the best of every moment we spend together. There will always be arguments, no two people are exactly alike. But we can move past these things, or at least try. Find good people and accept their flaws WE ALL HAVE THEM. Find the people with flaws worth accepting. Live your life and fill it with good people. People who support you, your dreams, your ambitions, the things you love and the ideas you respect. To do this ALL you have to do is live a positive life, LIVE A LIFE PEOPLE WANT TO BE A PART OF. ++SMILE++ often and always LOVE EVERYONE.

P.S. Thanks for reading my slightly drunken post. . .Can't help it, it was hockey night, I have cancer, and there was a 6 pack of beer and a LIFE to LIVE to it's fullest :D GOOD NIGHT!!!

Believing in eachother. day 102

It's at this time I want to make a something very clear. During the month between Dr. visits I was repeatedly asked about the situation. Advice to those who care about someone with cancer, please be careful how you suggest they deal with it and how you bring up your worries about things. I cannot express how annoying it gets when people would ask how I was and I would respond with "I'm okay, if the cancer is back so be it, I've always wanted a second chance to kick some cancer ass." Then I would get a look, one of astonishment followed by almost pity or worry and people would say "But it's not back, you're going to go to the Doctor and everything will be fine and of course you'll still be in remission." as if they believed my attitude was negative and I was in need of reassurance. For some people this is good, some people need it but that's not me. I'm a strong fighter with no plans of giving up, BUT one of the ways I cope with this has been and is, I HOPE for the best and prepare for the worst.

When I first got diagnosed I was built up by all my doctors, friends, and family to believe I didn't have cancer. This was not my friends' or family's fault at all but the Doctors. They all kept telling me not to worry, 9/10 brain tumors are benign and the chances of having cancer, let alone BRAIN cancer, at the age of 22 was little to none, so I had nothing to worry about. So like always I didn't worry, and I trusted my doctors. (Which don't get me wrong, my Doctor was a good man) But when I went in and the doctor told me I had cancer, that the tumor was growing and I would need another surgery, chemo, and radiation I was totally unprepared for it, and I broke down. Had it not been for my AMAZING roommates and friends at the time, I'm not sure how I would have survived that day. But I did, they reminded me that I am THE ONE AND ONLY: MOTHER F***ING JOHN HOLT YO!!! and cancer ain't got nothing on me.

Thinking about it now they are the ones who gave me this attitude, from the start they believed in me and never showed any signs of worry. On top of that if I did they looked at me like I was OUT OF MY MIND to even think ANYTHING could go wrong. I owe ALOT to them.

So my point in all of this is that it's OKAY to worry about the people you care for, and it's good to let them know you care. But don't let them know you worry, or if you do make sure they know you know you're crazy for it. Because, take me for instance, I do everything I can every day to make sure the people who care about me know they don't have anything to worry about. I want everyone to know I'll be OKAY because I don't want them to worry. But to do this and do it honestly I need to BELIEVE that I'm going to be okay. Which I do, but just like I reassure my friends and family, I need them to reassure me of the same at times. But when I see everyone worried, I can't help but think about what they're worried about. . .then I'm left to myself to reassure myself that THEY'RE CRAZY and worried for no reason. Then that honestly puts ALOT of weight on me, and it drains me. This is difficult to do by myself, especially since I am SO used to having SO many people behind me. At times it might seem like I think I'm fighting this fight alone, but I KNOW I'M NOT. I have friends and family, all over the world, who are praying for me, wishing for me, hoping for me, and thinking of me. I'm never alone . . . none of us are.

I've also got God watching over me, sending me through these trials preparing me for whatever lies in the future. And I know He's not going to let me down, I have faith that whatever lies ahead it is for a reason and for the greater good. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I've been through ALOT in life and I'm only 26, I can't help but believe that there is some reason for it, some reason I got a second chance, some reason I've become so strong, some reason people believe in me, SOMETHING I'm here to do. It may be big headed of me but so be it, either way I'll achieve something great in my life and I won't be doing it alone.

So please, show your faith in your loved ones, and let them know there is nothing to worry about. That they are strong, amazing and undefeatable. We all worry at times, but when we do we must reassure ourselves that our worries are unfounded because the problem is fixable. Then we can stop worrying and take action, so help reassure your loved ones that they are capable of ANYTHING, especially WINNING this fight. ++SMILE++ and LOVE EVERYONE

The funny thing about cancer. day 101

So I had a very interesting day 100 of this diagnoses, it started out normal, bowl of cereal, law and order SVU the usual. But then on the way to my Grandad's house for fathers Day celebrations the oddest thing happened. It had actually happened twice before, all of a sudden I felt. . .not exactly light headed but almost weightless, but I was sitting down. At the same time I got the weirdest feeling in the back on my tongue, then I was was able to speak but some of the words wouldn't come out right. It was the oddest thing. But it wasn't the first time this had happened, the first was right after the last surgery while I was in ICU. But at the time I assumed it was seizure related because I knew they had not been giving me the full dose of my anti-seizure medicine. The it happened again a couple weeks ago, but still no seizure. Then today, the first time I experienced the trouble speaking. Then it happened again today, and the trouble speaking was worse. So at this point, after dealing with brain issues for so long, I thought "I know what this is, these are symptoms of a stroke, and I'm a brain cancer SURVIVOR stokes happen to people like me all the time." So this wasn't the first time I had this thought cross my mind, it happened when I was in school, still in the radio broadcasting program. But at the time they determined it was nothing to worry about. Also back then the symptoms were MUCH different. This time I was having speech problems which are notorious for being stroke related. . .or atleast they are when you've survived Brain cancer.

And that's the funny thing about cancer, ask any cancer patient "When is it over, how long does it take to feel normal again?" And I bet the answer you get is "I dunno, I'm not there yet." At least that's how it's been for me, I guess traumatizing is the best way to put it. For instance, last year when I was having all my urinary tract problems, I kept thinking for sure that I had bladder cancer and the internet doesn't help. They're not kidding when the say "The internet ALWAYS leads to cancer" when I looked it up, sure enough I had most of the symptoms. . .PLUS I had a history of cancer. Which was the real problem. I had survived cancer, but before that I had also, ended up, out of no where, rather healthy and building up to the prime of my life, been diagnosed with cancer. So now I find that out of instinct I always HOPE for the BEST and prepare for the worst. So now my immediate thoughts when things go wrong or even seem wrong are, maybe it's cancer. . .again, it was that one time, AND that other time too.

I've said it before and BOY do I mean it, Cancer is the gift that KEEPS on giving. From memory problems caused by Radiation and loss of sight in parts of my eyes from the surgeries, to the constant thought, it might come back and the constant fear it could happen again. It's the gift that keeps on giving. It's a pain in the ass I tell yah. . .or well I guess it's a headache in my case.

Either way I'm beginning to realize it's not gonna be as easy as I thought to get over. Not that it won't be easy :D just not as easy as I thought. It's a pain and it's not fair but it's a part of my life and I don't have a choice but to deal with it. I'm not gonna lay down and whine and I'm not gonna lie and say it's completely easy either. We all know better, CANCER SUCKS it's not a lie, and it sticks with you for a long time. But I don't see a problem with that, who wants to be normal anyway right? Weird is much more fun, and I like a challenge.

So in the end I went to the ER at Alton Memorial, they did what tests that could and they don't think it was Stroke activity, but they couldn't rule it out. They weren't sure what it was. So they made sure I was okay and released me demanding that I call my Neurosurgeon in the morning. I'm not sure when lies ahead, but then again we never do. So like always I'm gonna hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But most of all I'm gonna keep livin (L-I-V-I-N). With no plans on stopping, slowing down or speeding up. I'm gonna Just Keep Swimming, SMILING and LOVING EVERYONE while taking it one day at a time. Give it a try, it's pretty fun.

Worries. Day 99

I ain't got no worries cause I ain't in no hurry- Black Water-Tom Johnston(Doobie Brothers)

He's got a good point, we all need to SLOW DOWN and take life a bit more easy. More than that we ALL need to stop worrying so much because worrying does NOTHING. Well no that’s wrong it does something, it stresses us out. No one likes being stressed out but EVERYONE likes worrying. . .it doesn’t make sense. Worrying does nothing positive, we don’t figure things out when we worry, we usually jump to conclusions and get things wrong when we do. I HAVE CANCER. . .AGAIN!!! I could worry ALL day about this, about what’s gonna happen next, am I gonna live am I gonna die, do the Doctors have it right, how's the Chemo going to affect me, will it come back again, will I be disabled, will it change me, will I let it change me, will I have a choice, WILL I DIE!?! I’ve got plenty of reasons to worry.

BUT I DON’T because it’s not gonna help anything. There is no logical reason for me to worry, what’s out of my hands is out of my hands and what I can control I’ll do my best with. NO reason to worry because I have faith that my best will be good enough. “But what about worrying if your best is good enough” NO because worrying about it doesn’t change anything, if my best isn’t good enough then I’ll arrive at the same result either way. Nothing I can do about it except TRY and I’ll be damned if I don’t try my hardest. It’s like the scene in Dazed and Confused where they’re on the football field and Randal is worried about his senior year and what will come after. He’s completely stressed out and over thinking the situation when Dawson breaks in and sums it up “Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.” AND THIS sums up how our attitudes should be about life. We should stay positive, do our best at anything we attempt, and HAVE SOME FUN while we’re at it.

We all think to hard about life, we are all so concerned about making a living for ourselves, making money, having a family, raising good kids, having a good career, being healthy. All of these things are important but we can’t let them control our lives. Because we could live to the end of the week or the end of the century either way we, as human beings, need to have some fun along the way. We need to stop stressing about these things and just do our best and see how things turn out. If they turn out bad then we learn from it and try harder or try something different. We need to stop putting our lives on a schedule “I have to graduate by 30, I have to have a family by 40, and retired by 50.”  It’s good to set goals but it’s not good to let these goals run our lives into the ground. We have to have a good time while achieving these goals. We need to work on and focus on the goals but we can’t let them ruin our lives.

Because there are some things we don’t have control over, sometimes there is nothing we can do to achieve these goals. It’s not that we’re not good enough, or we set the goals too high, it’s that we can’t control everything. Things happen, your spouse may spontaneously realize he/she’s not happy, your company might go bankrupt, you might realize you’d prefer to be an electrician instead of a plumber, people get sick, and people die. There are things that are out of our hands and everyone should realize this. But instead we beat ourselves to death with worry, while trying to achieve an impossible perfection. We need to learn to go with the flow and just keep trying our hardest while we’re here.It's never too late, who cares if you realize what you want to do late and only spend the last ten years of your life doing it. At least you got to do it. Yes it was late in the game, but when the games over it won't matter.

We are ALL amazing people, we all have potential for greatness, and we all have the potential to change the world for the better, we just need to get out there and do it. Take Adolf Hitler for example: Imagine if he had used all that amazing charisma to pursue global peace instead of domination. He could have been one of the greatest leaders in history, instead he is viewed as quite possibly the worst. He had the potential, he just used it for the wrong pursuit. We all have potential of some sort to do amazing things. Whether it’s invent the wheel, the computer, the train, the airplane, or just put a smile on an old woman’s face before she passes. We all have potential. We need to realize this and start achieving something with it. You may not realize what your potential is immediately, but some day you will, and from that day on you can choose to either worry about living up to that potential, or get to work on living up to it. I vote the later.Don't follow your dreams, CHASE THEM DOWN!

Every day is, another day. You must start off where you left off the day before, but it’s up to you too decide where you will start off tomorrow. “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid”- Albert Einstein. SO get out there, find  your potential ++SMILE++ and LOVE EVERYONE