Saturday, July 20, 2013

Truth is. . .hard

So before anyone reads this I need people to know, I don't want pity and I know I'll be okay. That being said, CANCER REALLY SUCKS and I'm having some really shitty side effects from the chemo and I'm tired all the time and I can't stop being positive because I don't want to let ANYONE DOWN. But I really need a break, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy I still know I'm going to live A LONG TIME. But this is driving me insane. I love my life but right now I'm forced to put EVERYTHING on hold because I have cancer. How fair is that, I'm not a bad person, I'm not just slacking in life, I'm actually trying to make things better for EVERYONE. Yet here I am in bed most of the day EVERY day because I've got cancer. Not just any cancer either, NOT saying any cancer is worse or better. BUT I've got brain cancer and I'm not gonna kid ANYONE we ALL know that brain cancer is pretty bad. I know it too, and I'm forced to live with that knowledge EVERY day. and now for the next year of my life I get to keep doing this SHITTY chemo and as much as I know I can take it, it doesn't change the fact that IT SUCKS. I'm SO tired, I've got mouth sores, my arm hurts from the injection. This is just over-all shitty.

I was going to write a WHOLE paragraph justifying my fear so people could understand, but you know what I don't need to. I've got damn brain cancer and it's not the walk in the park that I make it out to be. Years ago when I first got diagnosed it began, I saw how SO many people started worrying about me and it drove me crazy. I didn't want people to worry about me anymore I wanted to help people, not people to help me. And you have no idea how quickly I got SO DAMN TIRED of people telling me things like "You know the best thing you can do is have a positive attitude" or "You know you're going to be okay right?" and other things like that. It felt like people looked down on me, cause all I could think was(and I thought this in my MOST condescending voice) "No really? I thought being negative fixed everything? Are you sure I'm gonna be okay, cause no one survives cancer." I mean come on, I'm not a caveman I know even people who've been given a week to live sometimes survive YEARS after their Doctor given expiration date. More than this though I have faith in God, so I know if I do die it's for the best, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna keep me around for a reason. So stop worrying about me or treating me like a child, I'd like to be able to have a bad day without anyone thinking I've given up because I'll NEVER give up. But I wanna be able to take a knee once in a while. We should all be able to do that. Not to worry and lament but to come to terms with my situation, NO MATTER THE TERMS.

I enjoy nothing more than knowing people look up to me and I actually inspire people. For someone who has ALWAYS(like since I was 11) wanted to help people and make people feel better, there is nothing better. But I don't want people to think they have to be invincible, cause that's what I've thought for a long time now and it's apparently had an effect on me negatively. I'm not saying I'm going to stop being positive but I'm saying I'm going to acknowledge the negative at times. Because it's ALL a fact of life and without one you can't have the other. I've become someone who denies the existence of negative in order to stay positive and it doesn't work like that. I think we need to EMBRACE the positive but acknowledge the negative at the same time. The yin and the yang I guess. So here I am acknowledging all the negative.

I'm 26 years old, 4 years ago, at the age of 22 if you're math handicapped, I was diagnosed with cancer. The first 2 weeks after finding the tumor EVERYONE told me not to worry, it's not cancer, just a tumor, 9/10 are benign you're fine. But I wasn't, I'm that ONE special case that gets to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. Because there’s no cure yet, and I got that special kinda tumor that likes to come back after they remove it. (70% chance) So then I got to go through 2 surgeries, followed up by chemo, and radiation, lost my hair, got sick, pushed back college, lost a good amount of my memory ability. But then I finished treatment, REMISSION (With a 70% chance of reoccurrence) I started school, and I'm kicking ass then I change majors and I'm still kicking ass. But then I realized my memory is so bad now that I can't do well in school because I can't remember anything I'm being taught. So I drop, get a new med and I'm ready to return to school again. BUT after almost 4 years of remission(5 years is the shiny happy "cured" point) it returns. Looks like I can't go back after all. So instead of finally getting my life back on track I get to go through surgery and chemo again. But HERE's the kicker: This time around I get to do chemo for a DAMN year, a whole year of fun exciting happy chemotherapy, a sure thing on everyone's summer to-do list. I get to be tired, avoid sun and alcohol. Yay for summer!!! 

I just want to continue on with my life but it looks like it's not an option. Instead I get to deal with cancer. And CANCER SUCKS. But I'm going to beat this. I realize it's not gonna be easy but I'll get it done. Just please rest assured I need no reassurance. I'll be alright, I just need to acknowledge both sides of this and realize that people are going to worry about me no matter how stupid worrying is. And believe me I appreciate it, but don't rub it in my face. I don't and will NEVER rub my problems or worries in your face, which is one reason I'm writing this here and not on Facebook, so PLEASE don't rub your worries in my face. Because then it makes me feel worse, it's hard for anyone who has an ounce of compassion in their soul to know that people worry about them. So worry if you must but keep it to yourself. Don't tell me things I know like I'm gonna be fine or I'm gonna kick cancers ass cause even though I know it isn't it feels like pity and I don't need anyone to pity me. 

But also don't take offense to this if you happen to be one of the people who tell me these things, because IT DOES mean a lot to hear it and to know you care. But when you have 11 people telling you the same thing every time you post something even remotely negative, it gets annoying. Not because it's repeated but because you obviously care so I take it you're my friend, possibly family, in which case you should know, I know I'm gonna be fine. Shoot I think I'm gonna live forever lol. Just life’s not easy, it never has been and sometimes I wonder if it ever will be. But I'm going to stay positive, ALWAYS will. Because it's a whole lot more fun to be positive than negative and since the positives outweigh the negatives in my life I don't have many reasons not to be positive. But I wanna be able to be honest about how I feel and about my life rather then have to hide everything and act like I'm some perfect human being. Cause I know I'm not in any way shape or form perfect, maybe better than some, but definitely worse than others. So let me be me, perfectly human, perfectly weird and damn happy. ++SMILE++

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