Circles and Squares

I'm realizing tonight that for some people life goes in circles, others squares and it's not supposed to repeat like that. But it seems most of our lives are just a series of circles. For instance our week consists of the same routine over and over again. Wake up, work, eat, days off, work, eat, days off, and so on. But that's not so bad. Cause hopefully there's some change in there. For others you can just replace work for school. But for most it's just a repeating circle. Then you have other repeating circles, or like I said squares cause sometimes everything is repeating but you can't see what's around the corner, and the corners are pokey and hurt. You don't even realize it's repeating until you're back where you started. Like my friends from another time in life who just keep doing the same thing. 

They mess up and end up in jail, later they eventually get out. They spend the next few months or years talking about how much prison sucked and how they'll never go back. They stay good for a while, get a job, and straighten out. But then they slowly start changing back. It'll start with a friend who they think has changed, then just around the corner SURPRISE they're the same. So then they decide they'll stay away because they don't wanna go back and they like their new good life. But then those magic words everyone loves to hear pop up "Just one time." Cause we all know that can't hurt, and there's no way it'll turn into "just one MORE time." But as always it does, then around the next corner, SURPRISE you're back to doing the same stuff you did before. Then surprise again you're back in jail, telling the same stories, crying the same tears, making the same apologies, and reading the same letters.

I've never understood it. It comes as a surprise to most people I know now a days but back in 2006 I was lucky enough to spend a year in Menard Penitentiary in beautiful southern Illinois. I broke into a bunch of cars when I was a teenager, then I decided probation was for punks, and that landed me in PRISON. What a surprise right? I was 19 years old facing a year in possibly the worst Maximum Security Prison in Illinois. YIPPEE I was stoked, I get to make new friends, got my own apartment, a roommate, cable TV, HELLS YEAH. Except just about every potential friend was a rapist, murder, drug dealer, meth head, or just all around loser. Because you know those are the people who end up in prison.

On top of that my "apartment" is 4'x8', my TV is 13" with headphones for speakers, my "roommate" is some loudmouth 35year old jackass who slept with a 16 year old. Who he swears had a fake ID and was being served at the bar. Oh and this guy had parents who put about $200 on his books every couple weeks (definitely not enabling), and couldn't be bothered to share with the poor broke kid in the cell with him haha. Needless to say the next 8 months with this guy were a dream come true. Ohh and I'm on a 6/18 schedule, which means 18 hours in my cell and 6 hours out of my cell each day. PLENTY of time to reflect on EVERY mistake I ever made in life. So needless to say I changed, I got my GED and realized that I had the potential to do so much better. I realized what people had been telling me my WHOLE life, and I realized I didn’t like prison. But the biggest factor in that was: The first time my parents came and visited me. My Mom burst into tears at first, of course, but then she pulled it together, looked at me and said. "If you ever come back here I won't come visit you."

This wasn't an ultimatum though, this was a "It hurts too bad to see my son in this place. The child she tried her hardest to raise right and give a good life." I could see that it physically hurt my Mom seeing me in there. Because as a parent all she can think is "What could I have done differently." Truth is nothing, short of having been a lot luckier and having a lot more money. I wanted to be cool and accepted and so I found something I was good at and did it. Cause people liked me for it. . .but it was the wrong thing. I look back on it now and can't believe how much of a waste of life I used to be. I imagine all the good I could have done had I started earlier, had I graduated, started college on time, and started my life on time. 

But this also lead to me deciding I'm not gonna go in circles. My life is going to a line, not a straight one cause that ain't my style. But it's not going to be a repetitive motion. I'm going to ALWAYS move forward, sometimes look back, (cause you gotta remember where you came from) but I'll keep moving, get back on track and do something Beautiful. 

I ask myself ALL the time "what is it about me that makes me so different." Then the other day someone else asked me. They asked "How is it that through everything you always stay positive and never get down." Well for one, I have my moments, trust me, I get angry, sad, lonely, regretful, and depressed, I do. But I think the biggest thing that makes me different is I have goals and dreams I'm working to live up too. For instance I’ve created Holt’s Home, something to spend the rest of my life working on and perfecting. Something I have HUGE dreams of changing the world with. I also believe, like we all should, that I have an example to set for everyone. I believe we should all work to be someone other look up to and want to be like. I have dreams and goals that I strive to live up to.

The reason most of us just go in constant circles in life is because it's so instilled on us now a days to "live in the moment" or "Live for today." But the problem with that is it's only part of the story and it leads to constant repeating. This is because most of us can't live in the moment at work because we don't LOVE our job. So then we are actually left waiting to get off, or waiting for the weekend. Then we spend all our time waiting and hoping for greatness and if greatness doesn't happen we're let down. BUT that’s not how the WHOLE quote is supposed to go. We can't just live for today because without working there is no change. "Live for today, BUT prepare for tomorrow" is how the quote is supposed to go. Because yes there may not be a tomorrow, BUT if there is, and chances are there will be, we need to be prepared to make the best of it as well.

But instead we live our lives day to day, not focusing on the future and the changes we could make. We just keep doing the same things over and over, repeating the same circle or square pattern in our lives. But our lives aren't meant to be racetracks, spent just going on circles, over and over until the end. Because life isn't a race, we shouldn't want to finish first. Life should be a back road, a slow paced curvy adventure through woods and fields, up and down hills, rough patches here and there, and spots you have to turn around to get out of. An adventure from beginning to end, living for something instead of dying for nothing. Being ourselves, teaching our children to never become too mature, and always climb trees and race bikes as fast as possible. Chase your dreams and keep moving forward.

Live for next year, not today or tomorrow, because yeah it's not guaranteed. TRUST ME I KNOW, but if you make it there you should be prepared and able to live it just as well as you lived last year. What's the point in living the greatest day of your life today, if it costs you the ability to live it again tomorrow? There isn't we should live every day like it’s special but make sure we can make tomorrow special too. 

Stop the circle, square, cycle and try to be in a different spot next year. Even if it's just a promotion, raise, an extra vacation, or a new car. Constantly work on improving your life, be a beacon of hope for your friends and family. Live for your family, friends, AND yourself. Surround yourself with positive examples for friends. Most of all stay positive and know the world isn't perfect, there will always be some circles you have to make, like battling cancer a second time, getting turned down for a promotion,  and working almost every day. But the work worth something, keep your head up, keep working for the future, the promotion, the cure, retirement. Then when it all ends you'll have a life too look back on and smile at. Because when people tell your story the audience should either laugh, cry, smile or all of the above . . .not fall asleep. LOVE EVERYONE it's always a good start.