Circles and Squares

I'm realizing tonight that for some people life goes in circles, others squares and it's not supposed to repeat like that. But it seems most of our lives are just a series of circles. For instance our week consists of the same routine over and over again. Wake up, work, eat, days off, work, eat, days off, and so on. But that's not so bad. Cause hopefully there's some change in there. For others you can just replace work for school. But for most it's just a repeating circle. Then you have other repeating circles, or like I said squares cause sometimes everything is repeating but you can't see what's around the corner, and the corners are pokey and hurt. You don't even realize it's repeating until you're back where you started. Like my friends from another time in life who just keep doing the same thing. 

They mess up and end up in jail, later they eventually get out. They spend the next few months or years talking about how much prison sucked and how they'll never go back. They stay good for a while, get a job, and straighten out. But then they slowly start changing back. It'll start with a friend who they think has changed, then just around the corner SURPRISE they're the same. So then they decide they'll stay away because they don't wanna go back and they like their new good life. But then those magic words everyone loves to hear pop up "Just one time." Cause we all know that can't hurt, and there's no way it'll turn into "just one MORE time." But as always it does, then around the next corner, SURPRISE you're back to doing the same stuff you did before. Then surprise again you're back in jail, telling the same stories, crying the same tears, making the same apologies, and reading the same letters.

I've never understood it. It comes as a surprise to most people I know now a days but back in 2006 I was lucky enough to spend a year in Menard Penitentiary in beautiful southern Illinois. I broke into a bunch of cars when I was a teenager, then I decided probation was for punks, and that landed me in PRISON. What a surprise right? I was 19 years old facing a year in possibly the worst Maximum Security Prison in Illinois. YIPPEE I was stoked, I get to make new friends, got my own apartment, a roommate, cable TV, HELLS YEAH. Except just about every potential friend was a rapist, murder, drug dealer, meth head, or just all around loser. Because you know those are the people who end up in prison.

On top of that my "apartment" is 4'x8', my TV is 13" with headphones for speakers, my "roommate" is some loudmouth 35year old jackass who slept with a 16 year old. Who he swears had a fake ID and was being served at the bar. Oh and this guy had parents who put about $200 on his books every couple weeks (definitely not enabling), and couldn't be bothered to share with the poor broke kid in the cell with him haha. Needless to say the next 8 months with this guy were a dream come true. Ohh and I'm on a 6/18 schedule, which means 18 hours in my cell and 6 hours out of my cell each day. PLENTY of time to reflect on EVERY mistake I ever made in life. So needless to say I changed, I got my GED and realized that I had the potential to do so much better. I realized what people had been telling me my WHOLE life, and I realized I didn’t like prison. But the biggest factor in that was: The first time my parents came and visited me. My Mom burst into tears at first, of course, but then she pulled it together, looked at me and said. "If you ever come back here I won't come visit you."

This wasn't an ultimatum though, this was a "It hurts too bad to see my son in this place. The child she tried her hardest to raise right and give a good life." I could see that it physically hurt my Mom seeing me in there. Because as a parent all she can think is "What could I have done differently." Truth is nothing, short of having been a lot luckier and having a lot more money. I wanted to be cool and accepted and so I found something I was good at and did it. Cause people liked me for it. . .but it was the wrong thing. I look back on it now and can't believe how much of a waste of life I used to be. I imagine all the good I could have done had I started earlier, had I graduated, started college on time, and started my life on time. 

But this also lead to me deciding I'm not gonna go in circles. My life is going to a line, not a straight one cause that ain't my style. But it's not going to be a repetitive motion. I'm going to ALWAYS move forward, sometimes look back, (cause you gotta remember where you came from) but I'll keep moving, get back on track and do something Beautiful. 

I ask myself ALL the time "what is it about me that makes me so different." Then the other day someone else asked me. They asked "How is it that through everything you always stay positive and never get down." Well for one, I have my moments, trust me, I get angry, sad, lonely, regretful, and depressed, I do. But I think the biggest thing that makes me different is I have goals and dreams I'm working to live up too. For instance I’ve created Holt’s Home, something to spend the rest of my life working on and perfecting. Something I have HUGE dreams of changing the world with. I also believe, like we all should, that I have an example to set for everyone. I believe we should all work to be someone other look up to and want to be like. I have dreams and goals that I strive to live up to.

The reason most of us just go in constant circles in life is because it's so instilled on us now a days to "live in the moment" or "Live for today." But the problem with that is it's only part of the story and it leads to constant repeating. This is because most of us can't live in the moment at work because we don't LOVE our job. So then we are actually left waiting to get off, or waiting for the weekend. Then we spend all our time waiting and hoping for greatness and if greatness doesn't happen we're let down. BUT that’s not how the WHOLE quote is supposed to go. We can't just live for today because without working there is no change. "Live for today, BUT prepare for tomorrow" is how the quote is supposed to go. Because yes there may not be a tomorrow, BUT if there is, and chances are there will be, we need to be prepared to make the best of it as well.

But instead we live our lives day to day, not focusing on the future and the changes we could make. We just keep doing the same things over and over, repeating the same circle or square pattern in our lives. But our lives aren't meant to be racetracks, spent just going on circles, over and over until the end. Because life isn't a race, we shouldn't want to finish first. Life should be a back road, a slow paced curvy adventure through woods and fields, up and down hills, rough patches here and there, and spots you have to turn around to get out of. An adventure from beginning to end, living for something instead of dying for nothing. Being ourselves, teaching our children to never become too mature, and always climb trees and race bikes as fast as possible. Chase your dreams and keep moving forward.

Live for next year, not today or tomorrow, because yeah it's not guaranteed. TRUST ME I KNOW, but if you make it there you should be prepared and able to live it just as well as you lived last year. What's the point in living the greatest day of your life today, if it costs you the ability to live it again tomorrow? There isn't we should live every day like it’s special but make sure we can make tomorrow special too. 

Stop the circle, square, cycle and try to be in a different spot next year. Even if it's just a promotion, raise, an extra vacation, or a new car. Constantly work on improving your life, be a beacon of hope for your friends and family. Live for your family, friends, AND yourself. Surround yourself with positive examples for friends. Most of all stay positive and know the world isn't perfect, there will always be some circles you have to make, like battling cancer a second time, getting turned down for a promotion,  and working almost every day. But the work worth something, keep your head up, keep working for the future, the promotion, the cure, retirement. Then when it all ends you'll have a life too look back on and smile at. Because when people tell your story the audience should either laugh, cry, smile or all of the above . . .not fall asleep. LOVE EVERYONE it's always a good start.

Truth is. . .hard

So before anyone reads this I need people to know, I don't want pity and I know I'll be okay. That being said, CANCER REALLY SUCKS and I'm having some really shitty side effects from the chemo and I'm tired all the time and I can't stop being positive because I don't want to let ANYONE DOWN. But I really need a break, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy I still know I'm going to live A LONG TIME. But this is driving me insane. I love my life but right now I'm forced to put EVERYTHING on hold because I have cancer. How fair is that, I'm not a bad person, I'm not just slacking in life, I'm actually trying to make things better for EVERYONE. Yet here I am in bed most of the day EVERY day because I've got cancer. Not just any cancer either, NOT saying any cancer is worse or better. BUT I've got brain cancer and I'm not gonna kid ANYONE we ALL know that brain cancer is pretty bad. I know it too, and I'm forced to live with that knowledge EVERY day. and now for the next year of my life I get to keep doing this SHITTY chemo and as much as I know I can take it, it doesn't change the fact that IT SUCKS. I'm SO tired, I've got mouth sores, my arm hurts from the injection. This is just over-all shitty.

I was going to write a WHOLE paragraph justifying my fear so people could understand, but you know what I don't need to. I've got damn brain cancer and it's not the walk in the park that I make it out to be. Years ago when I first got diagnosed it began, I saw how SO many people started worrying about me and it drove me crazy. I didn't want people to worry about me anymore I wanted to help people, not people to help me. And you have no idea how quickly I got SO DAMN TIRED of people telling me things like "You know the best thing you can do is have a positive attitude" or "You know you're going to be okay right?" and other things like that. It felt like people looked down on me, cause all I could think was(and I thought this in my MOST condescending voice) "No really? I thought being negative fixed everything? Are you sure I'm gonna be okay, cause no one survives cancer." I mean come on, I'm not a caveman I know even people who've been given a week to live sometimes survive YEARS after their Doctor given expiration date. More than this though I have faith in God, so I know if I do die it's for the best, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna keep me around for a reason. So stop worrying about me or treating me like a child, I'd like to be able to have a bad day without anyone thinking I've given up because I'll NEVER give up. But I wanna be able to take a knee once in a while. We should all be able to do that. Not to worry and lament but to come to terms with my situation, NO MATTER THE TERMS.

I enjoy nothing more than knowing people look up to me and I actually inspire people. For someone who has ALWAYS(like since I was 11) wanted to help people and make people feel better, there is nothing better. But I don't want people to think they have to be invincible, cause that's what I've thought for a long time now and it's apparently had an effect on me negatively. I'm not saying I'm going to stop being positive but I'm saying I'm going to acknowledge the negative at times. Because it's ALL a fact of life and without one you can't have the other. I've become someone who denies the existence of negative in order to stay positive and it doesn't work like that. I think we need to EMBRACE the positive but acknowledge the negative at the same time. The yin and the yang I guess. So here I am acknowledging all the negative.

I'm 26 years old, 4 years ago, at the age of 22 if you're math handicapped, I was diagnosed with cancer. The first 2 weeks after finding the tumor EVERYONE told me not to worry, it's not cancer, just a tumor, 9/10 are benign you're fine. But I wasn't, I'm that ONE special case that gets to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. Because there’s no cure yet, and I got that special kinda tumor that likes to come back after they remove it. (70% chance) So then I got to go through 2 surgeries, followed up by chemo, and radiation, lost my hair, got sick, pushed back college, lost a good amount of my memory ability. But then I finished treatment, REMISSION (With a 70% chance of reoccurrence) I started school, and I'm kicking ass then I change majors and I'm still kicking ass. But then I realized my memory is so bad now that I can't do well in school because I can't remember anything I'm being taught. So I drop, get a new med and I'm ready to return to school again. BUT after almost 4 years of remission(5 years is the shiny happy "cured" point) it returns. Looks like I can't go back after all. So instead of finally getting my life back on track I get to go through surgery and chemo again. But HERE's the kicker: This time around I get to do chemo for a DAMN year, a whole year of fun exciting happy chemotherapy, a sure thing on everyone's summer to-do list. I get to be tired, avoid sun and alcohol. Yay for summer!!! 

I just want to continue on with my life but it looks like it's not an option. Instead I get to deal with cancer. And CANCER SUCKS. But I'm going to beat this. I realize it's not gonna be easy but I'll get it done. Just please rest assured I need no reassurance. I'll be alright, I just need to acknowledge both sides of this and realize that people are going to worry about me no matter how stupid worrying is. And believe me I appreciate it, but don't rub it in my face. I don't and will NEVER rub my problems or worries in your face, which is one reason I'm writing this here and not on Facebook, so PLEASE don't rub your worries in my face. Because then it makes me feel worse, it's hard for anyone who has an ounce of compassion in their soul to know that people worry about them. So worry if you must but keep it to yourself. Don't tell me things I know like I'm gonna be fine or I'm gonna kick cancers ass cause even though I know it isn't it feels like pity and I don't need anyone to pity me. 

But also don't take offense to this if you happen to be one of the people who tell me these things, because IT DOES mean a lot to hear it and to know you care. But when you have 11 people telling you the same thing every time you post something even remotely negative, it gets annoying. Not because it's repeated but because you obviously care so I take it you're my friend, possibly family, in which case you should know, I know I'm gonna be fine. Shoot I think I'm gonna live forever lol. Just life’s not easy, it never has been and sometimes I wonder if it ever will be. But I'm going to stay positive, ALWAYS will. Because it's a whole lot more fun to be positive than negative and since the positives outweigh the negatives in my life I don't have many reasons not to be positive. But I wanna be able to be honest about how I feel and about my life rather then have to hide everything and act like I'm some perfect human being. Cause I know I'm not in any way shape or form perfect, maybe better than some, but definitely worse than others. So let me be me, perfectly human, perfectly weird and damn happy. ++SMILE++

Just some words

So I started chemo yesterday, and DAMN I'm tired. Last time treatments didn't wear me out at all, but this time, well it's already clearly different. The nausea wasn't nearly as bad and, well, that is GOOD. BUT as I said, I am very tired, which means that for the most part I might have to spend my days laying in bed, watching movies and TV, working on Holt's Home, and relaxing. This is gonna be hard, but I think I might be able to handle it.

Seriously though, I do hope to be able to get out and enjoy the summer weather a bit. Float trips, swimming pools, cookouts, and bonfires are an essential summer ingredient. But I cannot stay in the sun too long, I can't drink alcohol, and I'm very tired. Looks like I'm gonna have to figure a way around this, maybe late night swims, LOTS of sunscreen and not drinking is honestly NOT a problem, I don't like drinking anyway.

So, so far things are off to a good start, I'm surrounded by good friends, great family, good doctors, amazing nurses and did I mention AMAZING FRIENDS? So this next year won't be ALL bad. I've had tons of friends offering to take me out places with them. At home I've got PLENTY of entertainment, and more to come. It may not be fun, but it doesn't have to be horrible. That's my way of looking at it at least. Next week I begin taking my second pill, daily, and get my first IV dose. Both next Tuesday, so I'm looking forward to seeing how that turns out. I know it can't be worse than what I've already been through and if somehow it turns out to be, then I'll just get stronger and overcome another obstacle.

This is my life, and I plan on LIVING it happily for a LONG time. This is just another toll on the LONG road. But I'm going to pay it, leave a tip, and keep on swimming, because it's the right thing to do and it's really the only choice. Unless I want to give up, which I think we ALL know is NEVER gonna happen. So I'll keep praying, keep smiling, keep laughing and keep LOVING EVERYONE. Cause that's just who I am and what I do.

48 Weeks

I'm really still trying to wrap my head around this chemo plan, I mean this is a REALLY long time. . .and my life has kinda been pushed back ALOT already. I hate to admit it but I'm kinda behind, and I really need to finish school, not to mention get things going with HoltsHome. But instead I get to do chemo, again, and this time for a year. I mean yeah I can still graduate by 30. . .but I'd rather have a family by 30. It's just kinda stressing me out. . .I mean yeah I get to sit around at home and do NOTHING but that's not what I wanna do. I want to make a difference, and impact, HAVE AN EFFECT not just sit at home dreaming and taking small steps, I want leaps and bounds.

But I'll get used to it, I won't be able to sign up for classes this semester, but I'll be damned if I'm not back in next semester. I miss the social life to say the least, but more than that I miss the credited learning. I mean yeah I can learn anything I want to on the internet. But you can't walk into a job and say "Oh I learned psychology on you tube, it doesn't matter. You need credited education to make it in the world, and cancer is making that kinda hard.

But it's alright, just means I'll have to work harder. . .and hey at least I have PLENTY of time.