Back on subject. :D

So I realize I've got way of subject on my last few posts, getting deep into life and meaning, purpose and politics. Sorry about that, but it's those things, those thoughts are important to me too and I think some of it really needed to be said. Plus on the subject of cancer I've had nothing to say. But today marks the last day of my first round of treatments, and it's supposed to be a good thing, but it doesn't really feel like a good thing. It's like finishing the first round of a boxing match, even if you did well, landed a few, took less, you're tired out. Now you get to rest a little and hope you can finish it off next round. But I don't have that option. I'm tired as hell and I've got a mandatory seven rounds left. This hasn't been very hard on me but it does have me tired. I haven't been sick but my headaches are getting worse. I'm 26 right now and I'll still be doing this when I'm 27. . .it's alot to grasp and it's ALOT to deal with. If I'm this tired right now, after 1 round, what am I gonna look like at round 8?

On top of that I know as crazy as it may sound I have to keep exercising my ass off, and I need to start eating ALOT better. I need energy, obviously, but I need to find it from different, more healthy sources. I want to stay in shape but I'm so tired, it's not easy. I've bought myself a speed rope though for cardio, and eventually I'll be able to keep it up for more than 10 seconds. I'm gonna buy myself one of them cool doorway pull-up thingamagiggers that way I can can keep up on the rest of me too. But truth is, as shallow as it may be, I'm afraid of getting fat. I'm a single guy, I wanna look goood :D but I find myself asking, myself, if I can do both. Can I do all of this, eat right, exercise, deal with the chemo, keep my life on track, keep working on Holt's Home, keep working on my education, all at the same time? Can I do this, because I realize if I don't, what kinda father am I going to be, what kinda husband? Without a college degree, if Holt's Home fails, if I gain alot of weight, working somewhere like McDonald's. What kind of life can I provide for myself, let alone a family? 

And I know some people reading this are thinking "But John, you can't worry about these types of things, not right now." But I can, cause I'm 26 and I should already have my life on track and I know right now I've got nothing to offer a significant other. I'm old-fashioned and I'm not saying and never will say that whoever I end up with should be a stay at home Mom, taking care of the house and taking care of the kids. But if that's what she thinks is best or would prefer then I want it to be an option. But right now I'm not on the path to ever being able to support a family. I can barely support myself and the GOV is paying for that. . .though I guess I'm finally getting some of that damn tax money back. 

But right now, I'm too tired to go back to work, like I did last time, and earn my way. Not right now, and I'm slightly okay with that. Because fact is I hate that hell hole filled with gossip, failed dreams, hypocrisy, ignorance, and bad food. The only thing that place has ever done is filled me with false hopes and temporary fun. I loved working Midnights with some of the greatest people I've ever met. But I wasn't achieving anything there. The place was a drain on my soul, just a letdown on my entire life, and I've seen it chew up and destroy so many other lives. People start working there thinking "Just for now" and it end up, in my case, 6 years later and I'm still thinking "Just for now." I need to make changes but right now I don't know how. 

The odds are stacked HIGH against me and the light at the end of the tunnel is dim. But I've got no choice. I'm backed into a corner and it's do or die, kinda literally. What I do during this next year of my life will have a big effect on the next ten years of my life, I'm sure of it. Each year always does, the decisions we make during the course of a year effect us for a long time. So it looks like I'm just gonna have to do it. It's gonna be FAR from easy, but hey I've always liked a challenge. It worries me sometimes, but then I realize that's just stupid and I'm no idiot. And at times it downright scares me, knowing this might not be the end, there's still a %70 chance of reoccurence in the next 5 years if I make it too remission. This is a fight I might be fighting for the rest of my life, and it's damn sure one that'll be effecting me that long. 

But I'll keep fighting, that good old never give up, never quit, never surrender attitude. I'll keep going, it might take a bit but I'll figure out this eating/exercising thing and I'll be fine. Come January maybe I'll try to get back to school, depending on how I feeling. And who knows maybe I'll find an amazing woman along the way who realizes, this too shall pass and someday I'll be that guy who changes the world. But I won't get my hopes up too high for anything, and I'm damn sure not gonna give up for anything. It's gonna suck, but it's cancer and that comes with the package. So I'll just keep making the best of it and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. Keep LOVEing EVERYONE!!! and ALWAYS ++SMILE++ Cause that's just what I do :D