Expectations

I think sometimes the biggest source of our sadness is disappointment from setting our expectations too high. From expecting to be cured, to expecting to have a great night, we have a tendency to expect too much from ourselves and the people around us and are not prepared to be let down. But fact is there are SO many things in this world that are completely out of our control, and we should realize this before expecting anything. Or more importantly before we let ourselves become upset when things don't go as planned. Because that is a guarantee in life, things will not always go as planned, that extra hard chemo/radiation session you did might not work, your friends might have to bail on your birthday, or your camping trip might get rained out. These things happen, they are often out of anyone’s control, and they should always be expected. Not as a first expectation, because it would be rather depressing to always expect the worst. But they should always be in the back of your head, Hope for the Best, but Be Prepared for the Worst in all aspects of life. 

It's never fun when your friends or family fail to live up to your expectations, but ask yourself, is it possible that you are expecting too much? Take for instance a friend of mine from high school, just after being diagnosed with cancer she found me on Facebook, added me as a friend, and sent me a message asking me if I remembered her and how I was doing. I told her "Of course I remember you, and I'm doing well, but not perfect. I actually just found out I have brain cancer, it's not a big deal but it's a LOT. I'm not sure how to react yet. lol" In the 4 years since I haven't received a response and after receiving the message I'm rather sure she deleted and blocked me. Either that or she just gave up on and deleted Facebook, but I think the first is more likely. When she didn't respond, it hurt, more than I could have ever expected. How could the fact that I have cancer warrant such behavior? So I gave it some thought. I put myself in her shoes and tried to think of a reason, a reasonable reason, for such a harsh reaction. 

This is what I came up with, for one; we hadn't spoken in over 5 years, so this wasn't a great loss if I didn't take it personal. Two; I had NO idea what she could be going through at the time, what if she had just lost her father or mother too cancer? What if she just didn't want to take the chance of going through such grief again? What if she just decided she wasn't strong enough or didn't know how to reply to that kind of news? So she didn't, she ran knowing it was no big loss to me and who knows maybe it was a bigger loss to her. I thought for a long time about it and decided the best thing for the both of us was to give her the benefit of the doubt. In High School she had always been a GREAT girl, good grades, good friends, MUCH better than the criminal I was at the time. So why would I assume she was any less amazing now and why should I expect anything from someone I hadn't seen or spoken too in so long. So I let it rest at that and I realized something amazing, it didn't hurt anymore, because I had given it a reason, it wasn't my fault and I had no reason to blame her. An unnecessary weight had been lifted and I felt and still feel much better about it. Some of my friends, God bless them, can't handle that story. "There's no excuse for it, what a horrible person." But to this I always respond, I am not hurt, it's okay, whatever the excuse, even if there isn't one, what does it matter. This way neither of us are hurt, there was no substantial damage done, and I learned a hard lesson.

We have too many expectations, and make too many assumptions about the people in our lives and doing this results in a LOT of unnecessary pain and stress. Next time a friend bails on you, stands you up or doesn't answer your call or text. Give them the benefit of the doubt, wait it out, and put yourself in their shoes. Try to come up with a reason that you would have made that choice. You might find that there are many reasons for an action, and then later you might find out that the action was justified. Because if you automatically assume the worst of someone, that person probably wasn't really your friend and quite frankly your night, possibly your life would be much better without them. If they are truly your friend then you should have no problems making excuses for their minor occasional flaws. If you do find that difficult you should probably just write them off, it sounds harsh but if they really care, they will fight to stay in your life. If they don't then you have just freed up more time to spend with your awesome friends, or make new friends which could prove to be a much more fulfilling task than whatever was originally planned. 

So lower your expectations, or maybe even get rid of them completely and prepare yourself for a fight. Because the best things in life are unexpected and usually earned. You'll make more friends, because the people you meet won't feel so pressured, and you'll be constantly surprised when your friends do amazing things for you. Which they will, because they're friends, but also remember, they don't have to, because they're only friends. They have their own lives and their own struggles, and sometimes it's not easy to be amazing. Even Superman had Kryptonite, none of us are perfect, though we may try so hard to be. Forgive those you care about, be understanding that sometimes things go wrong, and that not everyone deserves a place in your life. Expect nothing, LOVE EVERYONE, and enjoy the ride. Because you never know how short, or long, it might be.

Superman

The first time I went through treatment I was "superman." Everyone was amazed from the point of diagnoses on. I took the diagnoses like a little more than nothing, but definitely not as something. I did my surgeries and was back at work as soon as the staples were out. I didn't slow down for anyone or anything. Even during treatment I'd go to radiation in my uniform so I could go straight to work after. I remember going to work on treatment days, running to the bathroom to throw up and coming right back out and handing out the next order. (After washing up of course) “No” wasn't an option, only “go.” Keep your head up and JUST KEEP SWIMMING. It's ONLY cancer, just chemo, and what's radiation? Nothing affected me and nothing was going to make me a "cancer" patient. It was hard at times yes but it was a high point in my life. I was able to show everyone who cared about me that they had NOTHING to worry about. This is a breeze, nothing more, in a couple of weeks I'll be on my way and on with my life. 

And I was until I came out of remission and have to do this WHOLE thing again minus one surgery and radiation. So I thought this time around will be cake, tumors back but it's slower growing so let’s put it down for the count. Easy said, easy done. But instead it's turning out to be easier said, than done. This is taking a REAL toll on me and for the first time I feel like an actual cancer patient I guess. I'm reminded constantly that I'm lucky enough not to look sick, but this time I'm really feeling it. I'm tired, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and I'm just so exhausted it's insane. It's been getting worse every time too, and I'm not quite yet half through. So I'm left to ponder ways to keep myself going. What do I do if I keep NOT recovering between rounds?

So far this is what I've come up with. One; even heroes have the right to bleed, so I'm going to use that and keep going. I'm realizing that I can have my down days. 2; Thinking about ways to handle future problems and worrying about them are two different things. I can make plans for how to handle future treatments and not necessarily "worry" about them. 3; Talk to people, they are my greatest inspiration and yet I keep them in the dark to keep them from worrying. 4; I'm John Holt YO!!! I need to cowboy up and push myself more. Cause what's the worst that will happen? More naps, more exhaustion and more days in bed which isn't too bad. So I've just got to get up and do it, just like I did last time.

I've got a little over a week left and then I'm halfway there and quite frankly I'm living on much more than a prayer. I'm living on me, The One and Only: John Holt YO!!! Ha HA and that seems to be a lot. So from here on I'm going to embrace my down times, share them with people and let my friends lift my spirits. Because I'm also realizing that I can show that I'm weak at times and have problems without throwing a pity party and being Negative about it. I'm a human being and "Superman" is just a name that was given by some loving friends who cared about me. So I can be Superman sometimes but I'm John Holt first and foremost. 

So as I've said, things get hard at times, and they're almost never easy. But just because they're not easy doesn't mean they've got to be hard. So from here on out, one day at a time, I'll Just Keep Swimming, or rather sleeping, through this. Then in 25 weeks or so, when I'm one week away from being finished and back in remission. I'll have plenty of strength to celebrate this horrible battle that is cancer. It's making me stronger and that's never easy, but like I said, that doesn't mean it's got to be hard.